Dieting and all that

So I have a love relationship with food. I enjoy food, I love trying new things, I love my little visits to restaurants... particularly with my friends...so its all a part of my lifestyle now...

the side effect of that is that I am now a whopping 81 kgs! Now the dream that I had that I would be a sexy 40 year old slowly vanished away into thin air... till the inevitable happened one day... I was embarrassed to get out of my house looking the way I did...... my skirt would not hold up and constantly I was afraid that I was looking like an ogre... and that tipped the scales for me...something snapped inside me... I immediately got onto a diet programme, paid money, invested in exercise clothes etc... the whole works.... lets call it the WAH TAJ moment!

now I have experience going on a diet like this... about 8-9 years back I went on a very strict diet... and a very healthy one at that ... and lost 17 kgs in a year...can you imagine!!! all I would do was to go to office, eat my diet food (which was a lot btw but the right kind of lot) and then exercise... somedays I would exercise morn and evening... and I loved it!! I was fitter, more confident and more importantly I saw myself differently.. finally I had become the size that I always dreamt of in life... and I could wear what I wanted.. I could tuck in my shirts, wear lovely sarees, wear dresses etc... and nobody would have a wrong word to say... I was complimented by everyone I met... and those who didn't I knew were complimenting me inside their heads.. .in short I felt I had arrived in the being the best that you can be...

then over a period of time I lost the time.. I went away for 6 months... I made new friends.. had to eat out a lot.. while travelling I could not exercise at all.... and then I started seeing how friends started behaving with me... everywhere I went they would peer into my plate to see what I was eating... and commenting on the same...oh you eat only so much? and then they would stuff oily food and sweet things on my face and say "eat!"...as if they are putin and I am one of the Russian prisoners... and if I refuse they would make an unpleasant eye roll or worse, ask me to justify it... this used to happen more frequently my old buddies... who have seen me in my eating full days... they probably could not fathom how I have become this control monster.....not controlling them but controlling myself.... and then they would all comment about how I have become a joke cos of my dieting... and that I am no fun to be with now since I don't eat... and when I ask so "am I all about eating"..they would be like no, but eating was a large part of it"....while you might say that I could have just ignored all of this.. at some level you feel compelled to loosen up... these are your friends.. and their ffeedback to you really matters... and if they say that you want to make sure that you don't appear too stiffy... so next time you indulge them and have a cup cake along with them... and you remember the good times you had... I remember at one point, I had ice cream after 3 years! and I could not even recognize what it was cos I had not had that for such a long time... and over a period of the next8 years I put on the 17 kgs I lost...

that is until the Wah Taj moment..... now I am back on a very strict and regimented diet..... and I do have a lot more social engagements than before... one is, I honestly love going out.. and I also invest more time in socializing now... and I love it... but what I discovered was that dieting and socializing is a potent mix... you cant mix both.... so last night I had a small altercation where a friend ordered prawns, pork etc.. and was surprised when I didn't eat it...and commented "now all this will go waste!"... and I blew up... I was like I am not a trash can that you stuff food into.. you order if you want to but dont expect me to finish off the plate for you... and then we finally agreed not to order like before...

but that brought to the fore how uncooperative society is... its almost like everybody wants you to fail.... they derive some pleasure in making sure you fail for that one second when you take that bite out of ice cream or out of the pastry.... and then they go back to their lives knowing nobody has done better than them.... mind you these are the people who will immediately point out the tyres in your stomach when you are fat.. and also gleefully admit... ah there is someone who is worse than me..

so this is me giving notice to all in my life... I need to get on with the programme of losing weight... 15 kgs in total..a little support will go a long way... I want you in my life... but not with food accompanying you all the time... so please desist from making our relationship about food.... if it is then you need a new friend....I need to take care of myself and feel good about myself.. and you need to know how important it is for me to do this... so please be considerate ...







 

Law School Days

One of the most endearing qualities about law school is the ability to make friends of anyone...what do you get when you put 17 year olds in an isolated building with miles of nothingness around you? you bond with each other and become life long friends...ofcourse we didn't know it then... that we were all a part of a large cosmic event in our lives ....

anyways one of the most endearing stories from my law school days is that of my hostel life....and that of my exams .... We had a system where you could do "repeats" if you didn't clear the exams first time round... and in my first trimester of first year I was saddled with a repeat in my Torts class...I had had a run-in with my professor as a result of which I was flunked by him... yes yes, in life you have to suck up to people... but that still meant I was distraught over getting a repeat... but I was not alone in this... My friends J (lets call her that) also had a repeat... and was equally distraught...she and I cried over the phone for hours... saying how disappointed we were in ourselves....and how we could not let our parents down...and ourselves down...in between tears we decided to dedicate ourselves to bettering ourselves in school and studying hard... and to motivate ourselves we said we should choose a role model.... someone like our friends Toto... she has fun and is good at studies... we would try to emulate her going forward... she would be our role model and guide...

with most repeaters, you are required to undertake that exam about a week before the trimester starts... and J and I landed up in our hostel room... a dark dingy room where al the girls had left behind their belongings... we had beds to sleep but not entirely comfortable...and to top it all we had no electricity... so we had to study under candle light (and not necessarily of the Lincoln way)... J and I landed up in our hostel room despondent that we had brought this fate on us... and thinking next trimester onwards we would be better off like our role model Toto...

And then guess who turns up next morning in our dorm??? Toto... and she had got not one but 2 repeats... unlike us who got only one repeat...so there it was our role model who we had held in such high esteem and pedestal was now a repeater like us!!!

3 of us laboured  through the electricity free nights and did clear our exams... and it was one of thebest friendships we developed...

Crazyyyyyyyyyyy

Thats how I can describe this feeling...crazzzzyyyyy... this is the time when everything becomes tainted for me... I am angry even if something small is out of place... I feel the world and its grandmother is laughing at me and that makes me want to lash out at them... Its just unfair is what I keep saying.... why cant I get my dues! a long slippery slope to self pity with no party at the end....

this lasts for about 4 days... where everyone in your path is blown up...am not sure whether this was always the case... when I was younger I don't remember noticing all these persecution complex thoughts...I do recollect feeling a little angrier...a little fatter... but I somehow in my cloud existence didn't relate these feelings to the underlying reason....

the brunt of the anger is felt by the people working with me... its my maids or my juniors... sometimes it gets so bad that many just burst into tears... the near and dear ones get caught in this crosswire... and the people special to you cower down wondering where they went wrong... pain, grouchiness, touchiness, depressed... its like a cloud hangs over you those few days... nothing seems right.. .you even wonder what happened to the people who did you wrong and how to now decimate them... this is the most unfortunate part of the experience.. the memories come flooding back of the times that people hurt you and most often the times that you could not stand up to those people... ex-friends, teachers, boyfriends...and you just want to go back in time to do that ...

and then like sunshine after rain, the cloud lifts after the period starts and you are back to normal again...world is so amazing.. you are at your productive best and creatively you just kill it.. you are full of energy and raring to go... I love myself during that period... and wish that would continue...

but the 28 day cycle starts again... and you are back to doom and gloom for those 7 days.... I am amazed that the extent of the problem has not been debated till now... women go through mental imbalance during this period...its akin to depression... albeit limited...but it is still as sad and lonely for the women... and then there is the men folk who probably don't understand the abyss women are staring into.. and are even more determined to make their day worse....why is there no study on this issue more... PMS should be a medical condition and treated as such.. why cant there be a tablet that makes women feel upbeat when they are down and out during these 4 days...

 

Hitting 40 has changed my perspective about my life... in a very very positive way... and I feel like I am less unsure now...

take for instance this blog... I remember I started writing this around the time of the floods in 2006 in Mmbai... at that time it was a way to release my creativity, put a funny spin on my life and talk about the crazy in my life.. It was really great fun... I enjoyed it immensely because primarily I was very very happy with my life... everything was so new at that time.. new job, new friends, new people....

now after more than a decade I revisited some of the posts.... one of them was about how I would feel if I went for my 25th year reunion of law school.... I posed the questions - would a rich corporate big wig boast about his latest acquisitions... would someone show off their shiny rich husbands or wives... it was coming from a place where I was insecure about what I would feel like if I did go for the reunion..infact at the time of the 10th year reunion, I was dismissive of the invite.... In reality I was unsure about where I was in my life.. no marriage, no kids, no show off of shiny new husband... I think the fact that the exact time in my life had me going through some personal turmoil was not helpful ...

Cut to actual 20 years reunion of my batch of 1998.... and from the dismissive person of 2008, I was actually the organizer! I did the first message out to planning each and every detail of the trip... we went to Sri Lanka... so it was international travel ... and this time I went as a prime mover of the batch... feeling ultra sure and happy... and it turned out to be as nice as I wanted to be... and reading my post on what it would be like to attend 25 years ... I realized that none of the fears came to bear... everyone was normal... probably slightly more mature than I expected ... everyone was relaxed and out to have a good time... also unlike the last reunion 10 years, nobody came with their wives and families...which in itself made everyone easy to hang out with....

There was a particularly nice event where all of us exchanged stories about what we have been upto in the last 20 years... and all I could come up with was that I was a queen of Bollywood gossip!! and I was so proud to say that... I didn't see it as in any way downplaying myself... I just didn't think it was a place for me to actually seriously show case the achievements of my life... infact I thought it would be very uncool to do any form of achievements list... Many came on stage to also proclaim their personal life status - divorced, single, happily married, second marriage... all with the nonchalance of a wise person... personally I felt everybody had come down a notch or two from their make believe world of superiority... I understand it was quite rampant in the 10th reunion...

this brings me to the next part of post... age and its blessings... thank god that I made my mistakes in my 20s and 30s... and look forward to the 40s with no misgivings about life... it is with complete humility that I accept all the blessings... and also all the bad parts... I realize that life is never too difficult or too easy.. and you should be grateful for the difficult and easy part equally...and what you felt your life was going to be is never going to be the same... so in my batch of 1998 there were stalwarts who claimed to loathe inhouse counsel positions... but now are in in-house counsels themselves... and then there are people like who vowed that they would never enter law firms... and are now in law firms... some people who said they would never marry, are all married... and those who said they would be married are still single.... so clearly there was no one rule for anything in life... and no one can claim to be superiority about their lives...and therein lies the humility that life brings you.. if you are not humble then life will soon humble you.... and you better be prepared for it....

all in all I am happy to report that my 20th year reunion was not as scary as I thought...nobody judged me...or at least I didn't care enough....

Life and its musings

My mom once told me that life takes a turn when you hit 40... as in you start evaluating your goals, life decisions, friendships and relationships... she told me that this is the age when most women start looking outside their families for comfort amongst girlfriends and to find themselves in some way... I didn't make much of it at that time since I was about 10 years old... 40 seemed like closing the gap with death that time... so I didn't really bother...


but now that I have hit big 40 I have also started evaluating things in my life... what is important and what is not... what to keep and what to discard... not that I have found any answer to that question yet.... but I saw some of these questions hit my friends pretty hard.. most have sought solace outside the home with strangers... feeling guilty yet fulfilled at the same time... some of them have decided to re-enter their careers to make up for the decision taken in their 20s to look after their kids and home... some of them have also found new relationships entirely ....


oh.. my mom also told me that this quest ends when you are 50 and you slowly come back to normal life after that...


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In other news, I have been caught by a bug.. no no its not a bug in the insect kind of way.. its a bug that catches people who are looking for new level to their existence... so the other day, my friends and I were sitting at a coffee shop exchanging stories about life and love... when in walks in this super hot woman... I only saw the curves in that white t-shirt.. and wondered in my head that this woman must be a model... only to see her face and recognise that it was one of the associates who used to work in my firm...she had lost soooooo much weight!! she was nothing short of being transformed!! and I was immediately conscious of the wings under my arms, the fat under my shoulders and the extra tight pants I was wearing.... I looked at my face as well in the mirror and while it did look good, I kept thinking how much nicer it would be if I were thinner.. yes yes no self body shaming etc etc... but come on you were not there when this lawyer turned model walked into my face ....


and then I asked the one question that would alter my perspective about her... how did you lose so much weight... " I just stopped working!" she glee-ed into my face.. what? how? yeah now I have more time for pilates, gym, workouts and even looking after kids... oh, when will she be returning back to work? I asked ... never! was her thunderous reply... "after working for 13 years I don't want to anymore!"... considering I have been working for 19 years I didn't have a response.... other than... I get you dude... I just don't have an option at the moment... can I still get that body anyways? Later on her husband came down to give her money .... and once again I bit into my muffin trying to avoid the gaze....


the most important feeling that I harboured that day was one of absolute amazement... amazed at how things can change ... and amazed at how a person could stop working one day without thinking too much of the future... when all I do everyday is start biting my nails in anticipation of the future...how do I provide for my family.. etc etc...


maybe its my 40s phase... maybe its genuine fear...God knows...

So I have started writing down pearls of wisdom in a small diary that I keep... all aiming to pass along the knowledge that my uneventful life has garnered till now to the next generation... one such advice that i had penned was "have 3 litres of water every day".... to which a friend responded "what if the person reading is a midget, and they die of drinking too much water.... sheeshhhhh...

Indrani Mukherjea's case has rivetted the nation like no other.... and i have to confess even i have been glued to the TV trying to decipher the mystery... a beautiful young girl, a beautiful lady, a powerful husband, multiple husbands, hidden daughter and brother.... whoa! it can baffle the best of us.... over the last few days I have been trying to figure out why is it that I am soooo glued to this story.. is it some sort of pervese pleasure at seeing someone so beautiful and powerful come down a notch or two? is it to fill the evening when you want to unwind after work with something that is light on the brain... no thinking.. just staring .... or is it genuine concern for something as ghastly as this... I guess it is a bit of both... I am a great believer in learning from your mistakes... but the cheapest lesson you can get is one where you learn from other people's mistakes .... so I am trying to learn lessons from Indrani's conduct... to see what she did wrong in her life that she had to murder someone (or at least allegedly).... and maybe, it is also how she got away with murder for 3 years... baffling also how no one missed Sheena enough to ask these questions... what about friends, relatives anyone? Indrani got away with so much and she didnt pay for it at all... perhaps I am also curious to know how life is soooooo uncertain at times... your one single foolish act can lead to a disastrous turn of events... and how you can never gloat.... that your life is so sorted... no dude, your life is never that simple or easy..it will get complicated... I have also seen how the media have been writing up about Indrani and the femme fatale... just cos there is an attrative ambitious woman at the centre of it all... now I can even see mothers telling their children...see see.. this is what happens if we give you too much freedom... and if you mix around with boys at a young age... and ofcourse women all over are now typecast as being ball busters and hence now like Indrani, you could also be a murderer... along with SHeena, women's right also became a casualty here... the curious thing is that no one is seeing Indrani as an ordinary human being... who decided to move away from her small town and do something with her life ... we may not agree with what she has done... but certainly she has done what she knew best... moved to Mumbai... started an HR agency... met a powerful man married him.. yes, that does smack of gold digger... but are you seriously telling me if Indrani had done all this by herself ... assuming no husband,then she would have been lauded for it? would she not have been hounded by asking, who she slept with to get this far? so there it is ... Women are never allowed to enjoy their success.... if you sit at home and be just a home maker - that is great.. but you will never be recognised in society as doing anything meaningful... on the other hand, if women are doing thinsg on their own without a man, she is criticised for being a ball buster - hey buddy you better stay away from her cos she might crush you on the way to the next step! and men scamper .... and if she does achieve this by marrying someone who gets her to the next step, then she is a gold digger... so many judgments... but have you stopped to see whether you have given her a strong chance? whether she had done whatever she coudl in the circumstances ? whether she did all this with the only tools she had with her? and this is not to take away from teh crime .. if she did it then she shoudl be punished for it.... but lets stop the judging till after we find out .... #down with judgy people