Movie Adventure

Now every weekend I have to catch a movie... its a religion ..... so imagine my utter despair to have my leg in a cast... no movies for 3 weeks!!! nooo I could not suffer that... i decided that I would reclaim my life back - in crutches at least.... so off I went to the cinema...

As with everything in my life now I decided to plan in advance for my journey to the theatre... i started by spotting the trouble spots - ie. where the steps are... and tried to remember whether they did have escalators.... and slowly chartered a way to get to the theatre... I got dropped off at the mall... slowly inched towards the escalators.... good thing was that I was not given any security check... now the trouble was to get on to the escalator with the crutches....its moving so you run the risk of falling.... so you have to hand over the crutches to your friends.. and then hold the railings and jump on to the escalator... same thing while getting off.... once done you are on firm ground.. and then you make your way to the cinema hall.... now walking on crutches is a pretty tough exercise... the entire weight is taken by one leg... and it really aches when you walk around too much... so I rested a lot in between... and finally made it inside... now that is where I found teh maximum trouble... I just could not climb up the stairs to get to my seat... there was no support that I could hold on to jump up... i had to rely on people ... which I refused to... cos I really didnt want to make a habit of it....at one point I crawled up the stairs - which was veery embarassing... and then I jumped up to A seat.. not my seat... and much to my dismay had to request for a seat exchange since I could not get up there...

now I know why I dont see many handicapped people for movies... it is far too much of trouble when you can watch it in the comfort of your home... the good news is that the swelling in my leg has come down considerably and my leg feels lighter....

tomm i have another challenge... I have to go for a personal visa interview... and I am told that there are 5 steps to climb.. ohh woe is me...I hope there is someone to help...

all my moments are counted by steps now....

Reflections of a cast away

So finally after dodging it for so many years, I have finally got a cast in my leg... it all happened innocuosly enough.... a slight mishap which had major consequences.... I was out for my early morning jog... and I slipped on one of the many uneven pavement tiles .... and there I was rolling on the road with twisted angle.... doc suspects a small crack in my bone.... so net net I am now with crutches with my leg in a cast for 3 weeks! oh joy...

so I decided to utilise this period to understand what a handicapped person goes through in life... in a way chronicle my experiences... ofcourse I have to say that I am really really reallly blessed... I have help... I can afford doctors... I have friends who come and help... I have priveleges which many may not have for which I am eternally grateful.... but neverthless handicap is something that affects all in some way or the other... so like they say I decided to walk in the shoes of a handicapped person to really understand what they are going through....

First off...i feel odd limping around on my crutches... while people are gracious and always helping, I just feel like I am standing out in the crowd... and I attract attention... now I am never to shy away from attention... but somehow I feel like I am kinda of odd looking with crutches...

you are also suddenly concious that you are dependant on the mercy of many strangers... for instance I cannot get down on the steps that easily....I have wait...put my crutches on them and carefully come down.... now this becomes easier with some help around... and strangers are so helpful... the other thing is opening doorss.... with your hands busy, opening doors have to necessarily be at the mercy of strangers.... and I am one for never taking any undue favors and feel really bad taking it.... I dont even ask friends for favours and to suddenly depend on strangers is a new cup of tea for me... and I dont even drink tea!

simple things become a matter of planning for you.... like going to the ATM.... you have to calculate how many steps there are and how you will reach the ATM.... otherwise you ask your friends to withdraw money for you.... or the usual walk to the cafetaria is now a trek... with lots of stops.... and you feel bad because others are trailing behind you....

with one leg your daily life gets stopped... taking a bath is a process... wrap the plastic around your leg and then hop over... ahh... alll in all a tedious process....

with your leg in a cast, you feel blessed to be able to reach office... and be at office... otherwise your mind becomes a battlefield.... so while it is excruciatingly painfuly walk to the office I really like to be around people who entertain me... I just get relief.... but at the end of the day you realise that your leg is all swollen up because you have not put the leg in an elevated position... now that is even more odd... imagine sitting in office with one leg up... everyday I have been coming back from office with my leg feeling as heavy as iron rods with all the swelling....

its a good thing I come from a family of doctors.... I get regular consultation and medical advice.... which keeps me going...

now a walk in the dirty roads of mumbai will also be a blessing.... all in all I long for the day when I can walk on my own two feet.... and not have to balance out with anybody helping me.... its such a blow to your self confidence that you are immobilised....

Yday a friend called and said that she felt happy reading my blog after a loonnnggg time.... she was very certain that I should publish a book with my pictures and also write a book... she promised to find me publishers as well.... the fact is that I love hearing such words of praise about my photos and my writing.... and consider it to be an alternate profession that I can take up ....for when i am retired...

However sometimes I do get negative vibes about my blog... there are ofcourse those people who keep making fun of me and my blog... saying who reads it?? are you the only person who reads it? etc. etc... I actually dont feel bad about it cos I am writing for myself... pretending to talk to an audience of invisible, faceless people.... almost like you practicing your speech in front of the sea....

but one particular comment really stands out... in a conversation where my blog was also mentioned, I was told by the person that they dont have time to read all these things... that they have a baby et al.. and well with a baby in tow who has the time to read a frivolous blog ..... true true I nodded... baby cuts blog anyday, I immediately replied.... nevertheless to my utter suprise I realised that the person actually reads my blog - how did I find out? well I just posted a uncomplimentary blog about that person the very next day ...and the person blew up... and I was like " who is looking after the baby?"....

anyways, heres to the hidden blog reader who is ashamed to admit that they actually enjoy reading blogs.... baby or no baby.....

Cambodia had a Indiana Jones meets India kind of feel to it... creepers hugging the trees... large roots breaking open temple walls.... statutes of gods strewn on the ground with roots covering it....all in all very magicky feel to it...

i upped and left ... and this is what i saw...

Come-board-ya (Cambodia)!

Cambodia was Kerala with a Far East twist... lush and green, hot at the same time... dark skinned people running around... and the absolutely stunning monuments....

Can you ever blindly trust anyone and leave life in their hands? or trust anyone so much that you dont question their intentions? Or believe them so much that you forget to take care of yourself?

Well I am sure many of us have gone through that experience at one point or the other... I have ... and sometimes when I look back i wonder why I trusted those persons blindly... and strangely enough I blame myself entirely for them letting me down... first of all, every human being is engineered to be selfish....so they will mostly look after their interest and not your interest... it is just human nature.. no matter how much you think you matter to that person... so in the process when you believe someone will not be unfair to you they are infact programmed to think only about themselves and consequently unfair to you... and secondly God has given you brains for a reason - to think for yourself! not to let someone else do the thinking for you...

well some lessons are better learned late than never.....

A day at the Races

After the dullness of 2011, 2012 does show some promise... well in my own case I got the opportunity to meet one of the people I admire a lot in India... Mr. Chidabaram.... it so happened that I was invited to a party where Mr. Chidambaram was also a guest... a guest - not the Home Minister - but a normal guest like you and me would be... and he was as normal as anyone else... no security guards, no black cats, no SPG etc... just a normal person having a drink on a lazy sunday...and chatting with his friends....

My mom was ofcourse so scared that I would go up to him and offer my undivided attention to the Congress party that she pleaded with me to not talk to him... she said politics is no place for a woman... they make women disappear... your life is so much better without that complication... why do you need to?? she said this and more... and I was like Mom, he is not going to offer me some plum post in the Congress party just because I shook hands with him at a party...

Well seems like Mom got her wish... I was not offered any plum post in the Congress party and Mr. Chidambaram was not interested in talking shop while at the party... he just wanted to be a normal person... well life never ceases to surprise I must say...

So is this how 2012 is going to behave?? make me meet my idols ?? I heard Oprah is coming to Mumbai... another of my icons.... fingers crossed..... ....

Goodbye 2011

Boys its a welcome relief to bid adieu to 2011.... while it had its ups and downs, 2011 proved to be one of most stressful years of my life... and quite frankly many people's lives...

my life - first there was the very sad return from London.... I was sad beyond belief... and coming back to Mumbai was somehow not feeling that great... I had discovered something there and I knew Mumbai could not give me the same thing.... adjusting to life back in Mumbai proved more difficult than I thot... life was challenging in more ways than one.... Robbery, professional challenges etc etc etc.... and I was ready to give the year a good kick in the backside.... damn it.... it was not meant to be this way...... the year ofcourse brought about a lot of ups... promotion, place of residence etc brought with it enough joy and security...

however overall I feel this year was the year of loss in many ways... I lost friends... I lost old way of life...I lost a little bit of liking for mumbai... i lost respect for parliament, I lost hope for my country... I lost belief in some certainities... I lost the rose tinted glasses...

So yes, THank god that 2011 is out of the door... 2012, please be good.... i give you no choice....

Relationships change.... now I wonder why they dont mention that in all the text books that we mugged when we were students....relationships are hard work.... thats what they tell me....

but in all my life I dont think i have viewed relationships as being anything like hard work.... as in you are in the relationship persumably because you enjoy being with the person... or in very rare cases you are forced to be with that person.... either ways you accept it.... and see the best and move on.... so when people tell me that relationships are hard work I always get perplexed...

but perhaps its not so perplexing actually.... given the vassssttt experience i have in relationships I do notice one trend.... many friends get way laid on the way.... the friends you considered your closest actuallly turn out to be your acquaintance... some friends just suddenly change.... some friends you lose touch with .... and some friends inexplicably become your worst enemies... I have some experience with all of the above.... most significantly when I returned back to India from my secondment.... it was slow but very prominent change... most of my friends/acquaintances had moved on.... or just decided to cut off... at first I didnt notice it ....

I am not sure what went wrong... or how it turned so bad.... all i know is that I also didnt react much to the change.... and let it turn for the worse.... it was almost as if I was saying "if the nose goes on a sneeze, let it go".... and most did.... and I am not sure whether that was such a smart move on my part... should I have fought to save that relationship? Should I have understood what went wrong? should I have reached out??? Should I have done more??

I am not sure.... but perhaps that why I never think relationships are not hard work.... the moment it becomes hard I bail out .... and perhaps willingly do it....

is that what you are supposed to do??

How important is it in a relationship for you to stand up for someone?

In my view it is extremely important for building trust .... what else are you having a relationship with that person for??? I mean if the person you are with does not stand up for you then who will? and if you dont even stand up for someone, then why be in a relationship with that person?

I find so many people not willing to stand up for someone in relationships.... its almost like they are left to themselves even if they have people who are supposed to stick by you through thick and thin.... and I wonder what is the point of the relationship? Just for a name

I mean if a boss cannot stand up and support his/her junior in a crunch - what is the point? if a boyfriend cannot hold your hand when you have an operation - what is the point?

After a llooooooooooooooooooooogggggggggggggg wait one of my dreams did come true... I finally got to work with the Government of India... but there was a twist in the tail... I was working against the Government of India rather than for the Government.... so there I was facing the Joint Secretary, Ministry of Finance in his chambers at North Block sitting on a very very green cushion ..... While I have always seen the North Block (sometimes called the economic nerve centre) from outside I have never seen it from inside... as soon as you enter, the guard stops you to ask what you are doing here... you put up all your professional shield and try to mutter the name of Amarchand in the hope that they will let you in happily... nope that does not happen.. you have to take a pass from the reception ... and then the ministry has to confirm the appointment and then you are given a pass... and then you are called into the office of the Joint Sec.... his PA first comes and opens the door and then says "Saab will come right now"....all well so far... I look around and see files... a very plush office I must say... there are folders marked India - Germany, India - Frane, statistics etc... and i thot to myself that this is actual data that goes into economic policy making in this country....

soon enough the Jt Sec walks in .... wearing the typical Indian waist coat.... at first I could not think that this guy was actually the Jt Sec.... he did look like a professor from one of the movies.... I would put his age as somewhere in the 40s...

and then the actual game started.....

for the first time I saw how a beaurocrat behaves.... the Jt Secretary was at his best... he put his arm up on the sofa... looked at us straight and said... I have very high regard for your firm.... you guys are all bright.... and then went on to deconstruct my comments on the documents..... at one point he turned to me asked me "this is the government of India.. not a lala company you are lending to".... ouch... in my head I was saying, Sir I know that only too well but I only was doing my job... and then at another time he turned and said "do you know that India is one of the biggest lenders in teh world now?? that we lend billions to Africa?? and then you question us?" I cowered in my seat - almost doing a Sita asking for mother earth to eat me up alive....

In short I felt like I had committed treason and walked out of the office with that shameful feeling of having questioned my own government....oh woe is me... is this how I meet my dream client I wondered..... and walked out of North Block feeling a strange mix of pride and grief....pride that Indian Government was so concious of how India was changing the game in the world.... grief because I had to, in the name of professional ethics, question my own government...

I miss blogging... most often I am filling up this space because I dont want to lose touch with my creative side... but i have to confess that I lost interest in writing here... maybe bcos I dont have a captive audience... or maybe bcos the captive audience is so quiet that I feel like they dont care.... and maybe bcos my life has been a sort of roller coaster lately that I feel posting something about it would somehow make it different....

but I realised one thing.... I do like writing... and I like writing about my inner most feelings.... something I am not really comfortable doing when I dont know the audience.... but then if I did know then I would find it diffi to be free.... but i miss the days of 2005 when I used to analyse everything in my life and perhaps have a funny take on things... I miss writing about my nephews and their antics... and always seeing joy and happiness in their eyes... I miss the days when I could just kick back after a days work and not really keep myself guarded on what I want to write....

I still have a lot of passion to write inside me.... I just dont channelise it anymore....

but today I did decide that the one thing that really defines me is that I am not static ...... I explore new things to do and keep myself occupied and entertained.... like I tell my friends, I love my own company.... and some of them are cheeky enough to say "at least someone likes your company".... but that is me... I am always upto something - the stranger the better for me... and everyday would be fulfilling for me only if I am able to learn something new... something which increases my knowledge....

but before I end I do want to say one thing.... today somebody spoke to me about London... and somehow out of nowhere a sudden pang of saddness hit me.... I missed the city... the friendships... the magic... the cold... the happiness...the possibility... there is no city in the world which made me feel that tomorrow could be more fabulous than the earlier one.... no city in the world which held so much of promise .... and no city in the world where I have smiled so much...

I really wish I could go to London sometime soon....

The person you think is "normal" is nothing more than an a person who you think is as abnormal as you.....

Al Qaida has released a new video with threats to the US...

and I am thinking - isnt this anti - US bashing a little too old? I mean seriously, if US is not there then the reason for the existence of Al Qaida is also gone?? so in the middle of all the economic mess, it seems a tad misplaced to read a threat to the US again... especially since the US has very cleanly wiped off the head of Al Qaeda...

talking about rehashing of all old points - Anna Hazzare has threatened another hunger strike.... now all I can think of is - idnt the hunger strike a but overdone?? i mean we have other pressing problems... and you get on this hunger strike?? for like the 100th time???

I am really bored....

cancel the thot

Of late I have been coming across people who cancel out on plans last minute.... its of course nothing earth shattering.... its a simple movie, a play etc.... but it has somehow started irking me....

what is it about cancellations that I find irritating... i mean why do I get agitated everytime i make a plan and somebody drops out?

Is it about the callous attitude? As in the person does not give a rats ass that you made an effort to get the plan going... and once all the hardwork is done they just drop you...

Is it a feeling of being ignored? as in, your well made plans are not important? if my plans are not important, then clearly i am not important?

is it irritation at my plans having gone awry ? as in I was getting all excited about having made a perfect plan to do certain things with certain people and now on account of someone cancelling out I am not able to fulfill that desire of mine? So is it all about me??

I dont know what the reason is....but I hate people cancelling plans for no rhyme or reason.... and i feel really bad when that happens...

is it about me?? well I guess so...is there something wrong?

I am worried... really worried.... I think this Government has lost the plot somewhere... actually I think they have lost leadership.... from increasing petrol prices to lowering it in another 2 days.... and then Rahul Gandhi goes and makes a faux pas on "begging" in Maharastra...

Honestly distressed...... this government needs to show leadership.. courage... and have the guts to stand up and say.... lets not bicker .... and get on with the business of nation building.....

politics does not look interesting with leaderless parties....

I am blogging after some such a long time... so it feels like I am in such unfamiliar territory... actually it may also be that I was on holiday for so long that I feel like I am in a different place....

More on my holiday... some friends from out of India were visiting me and I took them on a tour of India... I rarely travel within India choosing always to travel to my hometown.... so it was a really pleasant surprise for me ... I noted that all the places that I had seen as a child were now well protected by the Government....there were stricter regulations about its maintenance... it was clean... and there were attempts to restore it.... and seeing the awe with which the foreigners were reacting to all the monuments made me see India in a new light... I was quite honestly floored by my own country... the grandeur, the pomp, wealth... all stupendous... and most importantly the heart is in the right place in India... we are very caring....

so while I thought I would write a whole travel blog about my trip I decided to narrow it down to interesting snippets from the places I visited....

I start with one of my favourite places - Amritsar...

Incredible India - Agra!