Crazyyyyyyyyyyy

Thats how I can describe this feeling...crazzzzyyyyy... this is the time when everything becomes tainted for me... I am angry even if something small is out of place... I feel the world and its grandmother is laughing at me and that makes me want to lash out at them... Its just unfair is what I keep saying.... why cant I get my dues! a long slippery slope to self pity with no party at the end....

this lasts for about 4 days... where everyone in your path is blown up...am not sure whether this was always the case... when I was younger I don't remember noticing all these persecution complex thoughts...I do recollect feeling a little angrier...a little fatter... but I somehow in my cloud existence didn't relate these feelings to the underlying reason....

the brunt of the anger is felt by the people working with me... its my maids or my juniors... sometimes it gets so bad that many just burst into tears... the near and dear ones get caught in this crosswire... and the people special to you cower down wondering where they went wrong... pain, grouchiness, touchiness, depressed... its like a cloud hangs over you those few days... nothing seems right.. .you even wonder what happened to the people who did you wrong and how to now decimate them... this is the most unfortunate part of the experience.. the memories come flooding back of the times that people hurt you and most often the times that you could not stand up to those people... ex-friends, teachers, boyfriends...and you just want to go back in time to do that ...

and then like sunshine after rain, the cloud lifts after the period starts and you are back to normal again...world is so amazing.. you are at your productive best and creatively you just kill it.. you are full of energy and raring to go... I love myself during that period... and wish that would continue...

but the 28 day cycle starts again... and you are back to doom and gloom for those 7 days.... I am amazed that the extent of the problem has not been debated till now... women go through mental imbalance during this period...its akin to depression... albeit limited...but it is still as sad and lonely for the women... and then there is the men folk who probably don't understand the abyss women are staring into.. and are even more determined to make their day worse....why is there no study on this issue more... PMS should be a medical condition and treated as such.. why cant there be a tablet that makes women feel upbeat when they are down and out during these 4 days...

 

Hitting 40 has changed my perspective about my life... in a very very positive way... and I feel like I am less unsure now...

take for instance this blog... I remember I started writing this around the time of the floods in 2006 in Mmbai... at that time it was a way to release my creativity, put a funny spin on my life and talk about the crazy in my life.. It was really great fun... I enjoyed it immensely because primarily I was very very happy with my life... everything was so new at that time.. new job, new friends, new people....

now after more than a decade I revisited some of the posts.... one of them was about how I would feel if I went for my 25th year reunion of law school.... I posed the questions - would a rich corporate big wig boast about his latest acquisitions... would someone show off their shiny rich husbands or wives... it was coming from a place where I was insecure about what I would feel like if I did go for the reunion..infact at the time of the 10th year reunion, I was dismissive of the invite.... In reality I was unsure about where I was in my life.. no marriage, no kids, no show off of shiny new husband... I think the fact that the exact time in my life had me going through some personal turmoil was not helpful ...

Cut to actual 20 years reunion of my batch of 1998.... and from the dismissive person of 2008, I was actually the organizer! I did the first message out to planning each and every detail of the trip... we went to Sri Lanka... so it was international travel ... and this time I went as a prime mover of the batch... feeling ultra sure and happy... and it turned out to be as nice as I wanted to be... and reading my post on what it would be like to attend 25 years ... I realized that none of the fears came to bear... everyone was normal... probably slightly more mature than I expected ... everyone was relaxed and out to have a good time... also unlike the last reunion 10 years, nobody came with their wives and families...which in itself made everyone easy to hang out with....

There was a particularly nice event where all of us exchanged stories about what we have been upto in the last 20 years... and all I could come up with was that I was a queen of Bollywood gossip!! and I was so proud to say that... I didn't see it as in any way downplaying myself... I just didn't think it was a place for me to actually seriously show case the achievements of my life... infact I thought it would be very uncool to do any form of achievements list... Many came on stage to also proclaim their personal life status - divorced, single, happily married, second marriage... all with the nonchalance of a wise person... personally I felt everybody had come down a notch or two from their make believe world of superiority... I understand it was quite rampant in the 10th reunion...

this brings me to the next part of post... age and its blessings... thank god that I made my mistakes in my 20s and 30s... and look forward to the 40s with no misgivings about life... it is with complete humility that I accept all the blessings... and also all the bad parts... I realize that life is never too difficult or too easy.. and you should be grateful for the difficult and easy part equally...and what you felt your life was going to be is never going to be the same... so in my batch of 1998 there were stalwarts who claimed to loathe inhouse counsel positions... but now are in in-house counsels themselves... and then there are people like who vowed that they would never enter law firms... and are now in law firms... some people who said they would never marry, are all married... and those who said they would be married are still single.... so clearly there was no one rule for anything in life... and no one can claim to be superiority about their lives...and therein lies the humility that life brings you.. if you are not humble then life will soon humble you.... and you better be prepared for it....

all in all I am happy to report that my 20th year reunion was not as scary as I thought...nobody judged me...or at least I didn't care enough....