Relationships change.... now I wonder why they dont mention that in all the text books that we mugged when we were students....relationships are hard work.... thats what they tell me....

but in all my life I dont think i have viewed relationships as being anything like hard work.... as in you are in the relationship persumably because you enjoy being with the person... or in very rare cases you are forced to be with that person.... either ways you accept it.... and see the best and move on.... so when people tell me that relationships are hard work I always get perplexed...

but perhaps its not so perplexing actually.... given the vassssttt experience i have in relationships I do notice one trend.... many friends get way laid on the way.... the friends you considered your closest actuallly turn out to be your acquaintance... some friends just suddenly change.... some friends you lose touch with .... and some friends inexplicably become your worst enemies... I have some experience with all of the above.... most significantly when I returned back to India from my secondment.... it was slow but very prominent change... most of my friends/acquaintances had moved on.... or just decided to cut off... at first I didnt notice it ....

I am not sure what went wrong... or how it turned so bad.... all i know is that I also didnt react much to the change.... and let it turn for the worse.... it was almost as if I was saying "if the nose goes on a sneeze, let it go".... and most did.... and I am not sure whether that was such a smart move on my part... should I have fought to save that relationship? Should I have understood what went wrong? should I have reached out??? Should I have done more??

I am not sure.... but perhaps that why I never think relationships are not hard work.... the moment it becomes hard I bail out .... and perhaps willingly do it....

is that what you are supposed to do??

How important is it in a relationship for you to stand up for someone?

In my view it is extremely important for building trust .... what else are you having a relationship with that person for??? I mean if the person you are with does not stand up for you then who will? and if you dont even stand up for someone, then why be in a relationship with that person?

I find so many people not willing to stand up for someone in relationships.... its almost like they are left to themselves even if they have people who are supposed to stick by you through thick and thin.... and I wonder what is the point of the relationship? Just for a name

I mean if a boss cannot stand up and support his/her junior in a crunch - what is the point? if a boyfriend cannot hold your hand when you have an operation - what is the point?

After a llooooooooooooooooooooogggggggggggggg wait one of my dreams did come true... I finally got to work with the Government of India... but there was a twist in the tail... I was working against the Government of India rather than for the Government.... so there I was facing the Joint Secretary, Ministry of Finance in his chambers at North Block sitting on a very very green cushion ..... While I have always seen the North Block (sometimes called the economic nerve centre) from outside I have never seen it from inside... as soon as you enter, the guard stops you to ask what you are doing here... you put up all your professional shield and try to mutter the name of Amarchand in the hope that they will let you in happily... nope that does not happen.. you have to take a pass from the reception ... and then the ministry has to confirm the appointment and then you are given a pass... and then you are called into the office of the Joint Sec.... his PA first comes and opens the door and then says "Saab will come right now"....all well so far... I look around and see files... a very plush office I must say... there are folders marked India - Germany, India - Frane, statistics etc... and i thot to myself that this is actual data that goes into economic policy making in this country....

soon enough the Jt Sec walks in .... wearing the typical Indian waist coat.... at first I could not think that this guy was actually the Jt Sec.... he did look like a professor from one of the movies.... I would put his age as somewhere in the 40s...

and then the actual game started.....

for the first time I saw how a beaurocrat behaves.... the Jt Secretary was at his best... he put his arm up on the sofa... looked at us straight and said... I have very high regard for your firm.... you guys are all bright.... and then went on to deconstruct my comments on the documents..... at one point he turned to me asked me "this is the government of India.. not a lala company you are lending to".... ouch... in my head I was saying, Sir I know that only too well but I only was doing my job... and then at another time he turned and said "do you know that India is one of the biggest lenders in teh world now?? that we lend billions to Africa?? and then you question us?" I cowered in my seat - almost doing a Sita asking for mother earth to eat me up alive....

In short I felt like I had committed treason and walked out of the office with that shameful feeling of having questioned my own government....oh woe is me... is this how I meet my dream client I wondered..... and walked out of North Block feeling a strange mix of pride and grief....pride that Indian Government was so concious of how India was changing the game in the world.... grief because I had to, in the name of professional ethics, question my own government...

I miss blogging... most often I am filling up this space because I dont want to lose touch with my creative side... but i have to confess that I lost interest in writing here... maybe bcos I dont have a captive audience... or maybe bcos the captive audience is so quiet that I feel like they dont care.... and maybe bcos my life has been a sort of roller coaster lately that I feel posting something about it would somehow make it different....

but I realised one thing.... I do like writing... and I like writing about my inner most feelings.... something I am not really comfortable doing when I dont know the audience.... but then if I did know then I would find it diffi to be free.... but i miss the days of 2005 when I used to analyse everything in my life and perhaps have a funny take on things... I miss writing about my nephews and their antics... and always seeing joy and happiness in their eyes... I miss the days when I could just kick back after a days work and not really keep myself guarded on what I want to write....

I still have a lot of passion to write inside me.... I just dont channelise it anymore....

but today I did decide that the one thing that really defines me is that I am not static ...... I explore new things to do and keep myself occupied and entertained.... like I tell my friends, I love my own company.... and some of them are cheeky enough to say "at least someone likes your company".... but that is me... I am always upto something - the stranger the better for me... and everyday would be fulfilling for me only if I am able to learn something new... something which increases my knowledge....

but before I end I do want to say one thing.... today somebody spoke to me about London... and somehow out of nowhere a sudden pang of saddness hit me.... I missed the city... the friendships... the magic... the cold... the happiness...the possibility... there is no city in the world which made me feel that tomorrow could be more fabulous than the earlier one.... no city in the world which held so much of promise .... and no city in the world where I have smiled so much...

I really wish I could go to London sometime soon....

The person you think is "normal" is nothing more than an a person who you think is as abnormal as you.....

Al Qaida has released a new video with threats to the US...

and I am thinking - isnt this anti - US bashing a little too old? I mean seriously, if US is not there then the reason for the existence of Al Qaida is also gone?? so in the middle of all the economic mess, it seems a tad misplaced to read a threat to the US again... especially since the US has very cleanly wiped off the head of Al Qaeda...

talking about rehashing of all old points - Anna Hazzare has threatened another hunger strike.... now all I can think of is - idnt the hunger strike a but overdone?? i mean we have other pressing problems... and you get on this hunger strike?? for like the 100th time???

I am really bored....

cancel the thot

Of late I have been coming across people who cancel out on plans last minute.... its of course nothing earth shattering.... its a simple movie, a play etc.... but it has somehow started irking me....

what is it about cancellations that I find irritating... i mean why do I get agitated everytime i make a plan and somebody drops out?

Is it about the callous attitude? As in the person does not give a rats ass that you made an effort to get the plan going... and once all the hardwork is done they just drop you...

Is it a feeling of being ignored? as in, your well made plans are not important? if my plans are not important, then clearly i am not important?

is it irritation at my plans having gone awry ? as in I was getting all excited about having made a perfect plan to do certain things with certain people and now on account of someone cancelling out I am not able to fulfill that desire of mine? So is it all about me??

I dont know what the reason is....but I hate people cancelling plans for no rhyme or reason.... and i feel really bad when that happens...

is it about me?? well I guess so...is there something wrong?

I am worried... really worried.... I think this Government has lost the plot somewhere... actually I think they have lost leadership.... from increasing petrol prices to lowering it in another 2 days.... and then Rahul Gandhi goes and makes a faux pas on "begging" in Maharastra...

Honestly distressed...... this government needs to show leadership.. courage... and have the guts to stand up and say.... lets not bicker .... and get on with the business of nation building.....

politics does not look interesting with leaderless parties....

I am blogging after some such a long time... so it feels like I am in such unfamiliar territory... actually it may also be that I was on holiday for so long that I feel like I am in a different place....

More on my holiday... some friends from out of India were visiting me and I took them on a tour of India... I rarely travel within India choosing always to travel to my hometown.... so it was a really pleasant surprise for me ... I noted that all the places that I had seen as a child were now well protected by the Government....there were stricter regulations about its maintenance... it was clean... and there were attempts to restore it.... and seeing the awe with which the foreigners were reacting to all the monuments made me see India in a new light... I was quite honestly floored by my own country... the grandeur, the pomp, wealth... all stupendous... and most importantly the heart is in the right place in India... we are very caring....

so while I thought I would write a whole travel blog about my trip I decided to narrow it down to interesting snippets from the places I visited....

I start with one of my favourite places - Amritsar...

Incredible India - Agra!

Incredible India - Amritsar!

I went to Amritsar with a backlog of impression created by Bollywood movies .... tall strong punjabis, who for no rhyme or reason break out into a bhangra, call everyone "Pappi" and make chaas in a washing machine....

While I am sure there are remnants of these in the Punjabi culture as well I got introduced to a different side of Punjab... the spiritual and emotional one....we covered Wagah Border, Jallianwala Bagh and Golden Temple at Amritsar.....

Wagah Border was crowded... one would expect to see very little activity in an Indo-Pak border but there were millions of shop keepers, flag sellers, policy, trucks, tourists... all jostling to get to a glimpse of the Pak border and in the case of shopkeepers to sell memorabalia....we walked through the cordon of security...it was a long walk.. interrupted by policemen on horses.... who checked everyone... and then a walk to the actual "venue" .... the border that i.... the place was packed.... As I was India I was made to stand with the crowd... my friends who were foreigners were made to sit in a separate enclosure... for fear that they would be lynched perhaps.... as soon as we entered I could hear bollywood music playing.... and that was enough for the crowd to go crazy... ladies flowed onto the road and started dancing... to be only encouraged by the border security force... and when the actual ceremony began everybody starting screaming "Vande Mataram"... and I could see and sense a swelling of national pride... I joined in too!!!! and there started the attempt to drown out all noise from the Pakistani side.... we screamed, clapped, stomped, shouted, sang... all in an effort to drown out the Pakistani side... and we succeeded.... after all they had only about 4 visitors and we had 400 visitors.... so do the math people.... at the end of it the ceremony was extremely respectful when the flags lowered ..... although I just could not understand the rationale for so many of our soliders to keep marching up and down and stomp their feet on the ground... and they did it so many times.... I felt bad for the ground since they were not gently at all....

Next stop was the Jallianwala Bagh the next day... it was not in my itinerary but I requested to see it .... and it was easily the most touching part of our trip... the site where General Dwyer stood and ordered his men to kill unarmed people is marked prominently.... and there are some walls which still have bullet marks and the Government has indicated it in a square white box...... I strolled around... knowing the weight of history that this place carries..... I tried to come to terms with this part of my history... this place that turned the freedom struggle on its head in India.... i read testimonies of people who were there that day... and as much as I could hold back I did.... but my foreign friends actually cried.....we walked past another wall.... and a mother was explaining to her 5 year old son about what happened in the place and the reason for the bullet marks.... her son turned innocently and asked "where is the person who killed all of these people?".... he is dead, replied the mother..... somehow telling the son, dont worry, nobody will harm us now....

We finally went to the most enduring picture of Amritsar.... the Golden Temple... built with 10 quintals of gold it was again a seat of tremendous political and religious upheavals... as soon as I entered the place I wanted to know which structure had been destroyed in Optn Blue Star... my guide pointed it out to me... but in a hushed tone told "we dont talk about it".... i got my cue.... we walked around the marble courtyard... checked out the volunteer kitchens where oridinary people make food for even more ordinary people.... I witnessed jalebi making session... and then was told by an elder punjabi person (whom people called pappi) to eat the Jalebi... I protested saying I was on a diet... and he told me in a very grandfatherly way to shut up and eat.... for some strange reason I completely felt at home.... I was not offended... I liked him taking liberty with me....made me feel like I belonged.... even if this place was miles away from my own home....

Amritsar didnt disappoint me.... I think I was disappointed only because I had not come to this place for so long in my life....

Incredible India - Jallianwala Bagh!

Incredible India - Wagah Border!

Incredible India - Delhi!

Incredible India- Rajasthan!