Yes I am

Yes I am. Sitting numb watching TV. Waiting for the terror strike to end. Waiting for Mumbai to breathe again. Waiting to let myself grieve.

No. I am not trying to sensationalise anything. I am just trying to be human again. To feel fear. To accept fear. To acknowledge that I am feeling scared and threatened. To allow myself to feel lost and helpless. And above all to feel anger.
Yes I am angry. Angry at the Government who let this happen. Angry at Narendra Modi for milking this situation. Angry at L.K. Advani for trying to get mileage. Angry at Manmohan Singh for total collapse of leadership. Angry that at a time like this, India has not leaders who can inspire us.

Am I justified? I dont know. I just know that I do. I am angry, sad, lost, confused, worried and scared. Yes I am. And I dont know whether I Can.

Bdays and all that goes with it

So October - November is a big month in my family for b'days... first there is me! and then within 3 days of each other Christy and Baby George celebratet their b'day.... so this year was the 8th b'day for Christy and 2nd b'day for Baby George... Last year I remember having bought Christy a remote control ferrai car... yayyyyy!!! I think the ferrai car is now languishing in the bottom of my sisters "never to be used" again pile... so when I asked him what he wanted this year, Christy was prompt in his response - he wanted a remote control car! Again! So when I reminded him (more than once) that I gave him a remote control car last year as well Christy finally in exasperation said "How many times are you going to keep saying the same thing?"... well the kid knows how to shut me up....

Last year for Baby George was quite a blur... I really dont think he knew that he had turned a year old... and spent most of his time eating and sleeping.... not that it was any different this year round... he still slept and ate ...and I decided to gift him books......

except for one difference - Baby George decided to fight his brother for the remote control car!....

So there I was watching a 2 ft Baby George pulling at the remote control with all his might and screaming "gie me" and Christy refusing to let go at any cost.... I am not sure what the outcome was ..... except that I am pretty sure the car cannot be driven again....

Obama - oh what a day

This is just illogical. I mean I am an Indian. I am not the one who would be affected (at least not directly). I have issues in my life that he will never be able to solve. Yet why is it that I feel that Obama's victory is in some way a victory for all ....

I have been feeling elated ever since Obama was declared the new president of the United States. I saw the black man walking with his black family on stage greeting the american people courageously saying "Yes, we did". Truly an inspirational moment! To me the victory of Obama represents the victory of all people who have ever doubted their capability of overcoming innumerable obstacles. Its an inspiration to people who are constantly berated, constantly told that you are not in the pecking order of things, that you should be grateful that we allow you to breathe without any taxes, who constantly go to bed with a heart as heavy as lead wondering what purpose they serve in life. For them, Obama is an inspiration.

Personally for me, I loathe the drama that accompanies the US election. The ballons, graffiti, the crowd arousing speeches. But I have to admit, despite my obvious support for Hillary, I rooted for Obama silently. His presence, his calm demeanour, his diction, his freshness etc in some way made me long for a leader like that in my own country. I know Manmohan Singh is not a bad PM but is it him that I am inspired to vote - no Sir. Having heard stories from my father about how Nehru and Gandhi inspired millions of India in an era where there was no internet, telephone or even planes, I always saw leaders in that manner - committed, determined, thinking of the greater good and above all inspirational.

But today its about the man who came from difficult and strange background to become the most powerful man in the world ( I hate acknowledging it). And if I knew him personally I would say - Thankyou! Cos now I believe that anything is possible for me. I dont have to be bogged down by the limitations that the world sees in me. I can change.

Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

The world be damned!! I feel like re-strating this blog space for my own sake... and if anyone feels compelled to read and pass comments, be snide or be judgmental then so be it... I am glad at least I have given you a distraction from your humdrum existence...

The best realisation I had was that this blog is for me and for me alone....I write for myself.. it is my space, my therapy, my life......

Hello world?

Is anybody out there?

Just taking a peek to see how the world is?

I really miss this blog space... hmmm....

Goodbye folks!

I have been wanting to shut down this blog for a while now... mainly cos i was not able to say what I wanted to say on this blog freely.... my pleasures, my pain, triumphs, tribulations...

and that is stifling my ability to write what I feel like...So I think it is time to say goodbye .... and move on.... to better and bigger things hopefully.... I will miss this blog cos of the familiarity, cos of the excitement of not knowing who the reader is, cos of many of you who gave me such valuable feedback about my writing, my blogging, my experiences, my photographs etc.... I will miss all that....

But like sharks die if they remain stagnant I must also move on.... we had some pretty good times here.... now it is time for me start afresh on a new blog and be anonymous for a while.... am not sure whether I will just shut down this blog completely..... I may come back with some innocous posts... but its mostly done here....

anyone who is curious about my next blogging destination can email me at alice.george@gmail.com...

This picture reminds me of Baby George and me... Baby George usually finds me sleeping and comes over and rubs my cheek.... and while I may sometimes mistake him for Christy and slap him for disturbing me, he is what Douglas Adams would say "mostly harmless"....

Age Old Battle

When growing up I vaguely remember my father telling me about the conflicts in the middle east.... he would talk in biblical terms about how the jews were the "chosen" people of God and how their land was being targetted by others... and then there were the books about the holocaust which made me even more convinced about the need for a separate state...understandably my sympathies were always tilted towards Israel.... growing up I got exposed to the "other" side.... I learned about how the palestinians were suddenly uprooted from their homeland and how they were fighting for their survival.... it still didnt make any dent in my sympathy for Israel... after all my father was always right about such things....

That was till I went to Jordan where 75% of the population is palestinian refugees...and our tour guide itself was a palestinian refugee... and he explained to me how he had a temporary citizenship in Jordan ... at any time the Jordanian Government could throw him out.. and that time he would have no country to go to..... he was literally in no man's land all his life... no country, no citizenship, no homeland, no security...... can anyone imagine living like that for your entire life?? palestinians have lived like this for 50 years and are still continuing in the same vein...

this brought out the entire irony of it all... if you were to believe in one God for everyone irrespective of the form....God's chosen people were literally chasing out people (who were albeit not chosen) who were also created by God....where is the justice in all this... it just does not seem right to require a whole country of people to suddenly survive on doles handed over by sympathetic governments... everyone should have a country and not temporary citizenship....its unfair to have killed so many jews during the holocaust but it is more unfair to exploit to illtreat more people....

I have no idea about how it feels to have no country to call your own... In fact it is so basic for me that I take it for granted....

Sorry Dad, I am sitting this one out...

Baby George is in Kerala.....his first trip after he started standing on his own two tiny feet..... so my mom gave him the phone to talk to me.... all he blabbered was "Ta" and "ello".... and then keeping with his character he promptly started licking the phone....

His brother Christy on the other hand is refusing to come to my house saying it is "boring".... he has his other cousins to play at his paternal house so the maternal house seems really boring.... hmm... city life does spoil you....

"We think it is a good thing that countries are developing, that more and more people have higher and higher standards of living," Deputy White House Press Secretary Scott Stanzel said in reply to a question in Washington on Monday.

Mr. Stanzel, Thankyou so much. All this while I was cying myself to sleep feeling guilty about my country developing. Now you have given me relief from my daily bout of guilt. Thankyou. Thankyou so much.

Lets Save Bush

Okkk this is the "Save Bush" campaign... apparently he is forced to have lesser food cos We, Indians, are eating better...

Damn you Indians, dont you know that you should always be eating less food so that Bush can get elected back, and dont you know that your life is not as important as that of a citizen of US??? I mean how dare you lowly Indian consider eating better food when the American has not had his fill.... and worst of all how dare you educate your millions and make them enter professions such as software engineering instead of making them farmers so that the Americans could continue to have a nice life... what? you want a better life? Why? Its your place in society to work so that Americans can be happy... Please dont have any aspirations beyond that... after all they will protect you in the event you are an oil rich country and attacked by a neighbouring dictator... so all you have to do India is to find oil and we will protected by America for generations to come...

Sorry a slightly caustic post - but who wouldnt get pissed off with America if they talk like this?

Few People I would like to meet

I would/would have liked to meet the following people before I die (or they die):

a. Nelson Mandela - reason being obvious. When I went to South Africa I felt like seeking an appointment with him but with the likes of Chelsea Clinton vying for his attention I figured I would fall very very below in his priority

b. Sonia Gandhi - It would be interesting meet her personally and figure out how she is in real life. Does she really feel "Indian" or is this all a show?

c. Richard Branson - I would really love to meet him to understand how to be rich being so crazy... what I like about him is that he has no problems being himself in public also..

d. Bill Clinton - his charisma really draws you to him. I want to meet him and I am sure even the 5 lines that he speaks with me will make me learn so much in life

e. My Grandmother: From all perspective she was a very courageous, bold and independent woman. She died when I was one year old. A woman who dared to go for her medicine in the 1930s and was capable enough to take care of her family, husband and her career at the same time. If she were alive, am sure I would have been great friends with her.

f. Dalai Lama - just want to see if he really can induce peace in you... to understand whether he really practises what he preaches...

g. Margaret Thatcher - obviously cos in my eyes she is the only woman politician who came up on her own merit... and successfully led her county for close to 15 years... commendable in any event

h. Golda Meir - yet again for the simple fact that she reached pinnacle of political power in a male dominated society... and to lead a country in a war situation is even more commendable.

i. Hitler - to ask him - what were you thinking?

j. Jinnah - to find out how he lives with the guilt of partioning the country... also ask him whether it is ironic that his descendants are still in India.... whether he would done things differently if he saw what came of Pakistan today....

k. Audery Hepburn - to learn how to be graceful from her

l. Nehru - most likely I would ask him whether he would have taken me in his cabinet... in my view he is the best thing that happened to India after independence.. ofcourse he didnt get everything right.. but he set the foundation for our economic development by concentrating on the sound foundations such as education, food security and government support for growth of industries and most importantly secularism

m. Santana - I would just want to see him play his guitar and perhaps take a few classes from him as well.

n. Karan Johar - ofcourse to have coffee with him! And perhaps I will also get to meet SRK. They are easily the best entertainers in this country. I think Karan Johar always has an interesting thing to say about anything.

When I was in my 10th standard somebody in a bid to insult me called me a "feminist"!... I remember recoiling with shock at that insult... wondering when did feminism become such a bad word...



I guess feminism has earned its own disrespect the same way NGOs have now been discredited... a lot of it is wellfounded .... but still does not digress from the fact that both movements are intended at bettering the lot of some weaker section of society or remedying a social evil.....



I am not certain I am a hardcore feminist... I know I am an advocate for womens rights and will be the first one to argue (after all who cant?) against any MCP.... but sometimes I look at others and realise that I am sooo far behind in my "evolution".... they are way ahead in their concepts while I am still taking baby steps....

Anyways my basic concept is you should treat people well... and people include women as well... a job is not lesser because you earn lesser... so a woman who looks after the home should also be given equal position in society.... development of society is actually hinged on the few years that the mother gives to the child..... and you cant value that in terms of money....

my feminist leanings have never been popular... and nowadays I have considerably lessened my arguments against such discrimination at home.... I feel it gets you nowhere... nobody is going to change overnite and you might as well not get crucified doing it.... just live your life.... and do what you have to do... afterall nobody will judge you once you are successful at whatever you are doing!

Christy and Baby George look so alike now.... infact the only distinction between them is their height difference.... a few days back while I was sleeping I felt someone touching my face.... I opened my eyes, saw Christy and immediately gave a good whack..... only later when I opened my eyes a bit more I realised that Christy had become shorter.... and then when I opened my eyes a bit more I realised that it was Baby George staring at me... with the most hurtful look on his face... cos his aunt had never hit him before and he seemed perplexed at the sudden change in his aunt.... ofcourse I hugged him and made up later.....

Ohhh my poor sister, not only do they behave alike they look alike as well! Now the real culprit will never be caught....

Who do I choose?

On one hand there is a woman who is aiming for the most powerful job in the country and then there is charismatic, handsome and "everything positive" man who is competing with her... I am torn between the two.....

As much it is cliche to say this - it is tough being a woman in this world... at first your gender just gives you back seat in many people's mind... you are suddenly characterised, ensured that you are introduced to the soft side of things, expectations are set... and every step of the way you are fighting gender bias, burden of societal pressure and above all juggling everything at the same time... I think being a woman infinitely requires more strength than being a man..... and hence to see a woman come this far, for me is pretty encouraging....

On the other hand there is a man who appears direct, modern, smart, charismatic, able and above all promises change... everytime i watch Obama I wish that we had someone as charismatic as him in India...

I will just sit on the fence for this folks

The moment I saw this picture I thot of my sister and Baby George.... I dont know why but this is such an affectionate picture of a mother and a child (no matter which species)..... while I said this to my sister she just smirked as if I had gone mad (ofcourse no likes to be compared to a bear I suppose)....

Motherhood is supposed to be joyous ... yet my sister is one of the most harassed moms... Its never easy to bring up kids in any event but to run after kids like Christy and Baby George is an art by itself... so most often she is screaming at the top of her voice, trying hard to sleep in the midst of the cacophony of the kids or just plain trying to get through the day without killing someone.....

yet once when I asked her whether she likes being a mother our conversation went like this....

Sis: "No, I dont particulary think motherhood is the best thing to do'

Me: "Really? Everybody says so but.."

Sis: "Well show them to me... I will sock them"....

Me: "Then what keeps you going ?"

Sis, while looking at Christy: "The thing is that I really really really like this kid"

Motherhood is as simple as that I suppose.

Its so easy ?

Its so easy to brush off things as being irrelevant or even unecessary in one's life.....its so easy to downplay a person's character and go along with the world to say "oh this is all a gimmick".... its all so easy to make a person fall ..... and jump with glee watching the person struggle to get up and dust the dirt off....

But once in a while you have to stop, think and make sense of the mess that the world is in... and to see an action that challenges your sensibilities, moral codes, values, views and above all your cynicism is a thing to be taken seriously!....

All this talk is in relation to the recent newspaper article that talked about how Priyanka Gandhi visited her fathers assassin in jail.... Why am I so affected by the news about the visit? Cos I will never be able to do it... Never.... Never... I just dont have it in me to forgive so much..... It takes character to forgive the ones who have done you wrong... it takes even more character to hug them, cry with them and enquire about their welfare... it takes courage to accept a loss.... it takes even more courage to accept and move on.....

I am not certain whether all this was politically motivated... even so I dont believe it is easy to act so much with your fathers killer......... even more so I dont believe the world is that harsh and materialistic as yet....

I just had to share my feelings on this... now lets move on...

Where have I been?

Being in Thailand is like being in a red light country.... I mean I have never seen a country which is more attuned to "serving" the tourists as much as Thailand.... to be honest it was quite sad to see 13 year olds being taken around old white men.... but I am no one to be judgmental about anyone - I am not in their shoes and I had different choices in life .... but you turn away from the country hoping that things dont go worse (they could legalise child porn or something) and in some way wishing that these women have the freedom to get out... I dont know, I am not sure, I dont want to know....

Other than that the most amazing part of my Thailand trip was the parasailing and the sea walking that I did... I have always been paranoid of water... and to finally fly above water was an amazing experience.... and sea bed walking was even better.... Was able to see the fish at close quarters - ofcourse having bread in your hand helped a lot in getting the fish to come to me...

Unfortunately I did not take any pictures of Thailand..... didnt find anything interesting enough..... Sorry....

Whats in a name?

Lots it seems if you are named Alice!... I mean i have been subjected to jokes about my name whenever I have introduced myself -
its always either "Oh Alice in wonderland! Are you in wonderland?" (Gee, so original dude) or "Alice, Who the F#*@ is Alice?!" Again I crawl under the table everytime these really cliched and boring jokes are made at a social gathering.... sometimes I take a nonchalant approach and look at the person with eyes that mean to say "Seriously? Why do you even exist?" For a long time I thought of changing my name cos it was getting so tiring dealing with all these sad jokes cracked by sad people.....

Anyways change my name I did not .... I am still stuck with this name.... and now I have a new complication in life - whenever I asked for a delivery home I have to repeat my name 10 times or spell it out before the person on the other line gets my name ... questions like "Alix?", "Sorry Madam, Cant understand" is most common response I get.... Finally in frustration I just confirm that my name is actually Alix and ask them to deliver....

If my life was not hard enough, the name of my building is also a tongue twister ... as innovative and witty as it is with the name "Wits End" for a building, your life just got a little more difficult.... "Widths End?" "Wet End?" or "West End?" are all common terms that I have been given over the telephone.... and then there are the endless stream of jokes which revolve around the obvious meaning of the term "Oh, so you are at your wits end?" (Not before dude but now with this joke I am)

I guess life does go on, crazy name or not... but if I ever have to name a kid I will ensure that it is a simple, soft, common name ...... which is why after repeated feedback (and someone calling me Baby Potato) I stopped calling Baby George Baby Tomato.... apparently I was setting the ground for him to be scarred for life.... well at least Baby Tomato would have had his aunt for company in dealing with the trauma.....

Charmed Life

I think at some point we all want to believe that we are "favoured" by the high being.... that out of the 8 billion odd people in this world we are the only ones meant to have a charmed life.... the one who will ultimately get what is deserved in life...

I wonder how many such people died waiting for that charmed life......

crazy post - but I feel crazy at this moment...