I am compelled to share some stories of my experiences as a woman (surprise surprise!).. and the issues I grappled with while growing up and still grapple with when I am nearing my mid - thirties....

Growing up I was fed on stories about Nehru and Gandhi by my father who took great pride in relating stories about India and its freedom struggle... he also didnt leave any stone unturned to tell me about the world leaders he admired like Lincoln, Reagan, Margaret Thatcher.... growing up I never did have any doubts about my place... I was just me and when I grew up I wanted to do amazing things....

For some inexplicable reasons and on account of several factors which was very peculiar to the crowd I hung around with in high school, at the age of 14/15, my identity was indeed called into question... more specifically my identity as a woman... for the first time I became concious that I am supposed to cultivate a unique identity as a woman... so while my accomplishments were all very good (I was a topper) suddenly that accomplishment didnt suffice to define me... I had to define myself by the stereotypical notions of what a woman is to do.... so while I refused to take "home science" classes, my classmates happily undertook these classes....and while I wanted to write about politics, join a movement etc, my classmates made plans for how many babies they wanted to have (some of them actually managed to get that many babies they planned).... and gradually in a very subtle way I was marginalised.... I was no longer fitting in... at a party I was never one of the women who were asked to dance (oh she is like a guy).... and sometimes when I used to get a bit aggresive in class over arguments that would be taken as a sign of my unfeminine side and snide remarks would be made by my classmates... one of them even took me aside and tried to "reform" me... saying if you behave like this "how will you handle a husband?"... and this when I had not even reached 17! and these women had already started thinking about these things!!!..... so much so that I got depressed thinking that I am very ugly, not womanly enough, not good enough etc... and the worst possible insult I could have ever got was that I was a "feminist"... for years I wondered whether I did a bad thing by being a feminist...and whether life would ever forgive me... I was in short ashamed of my ability to think differently.....

It was in law school however that I met women who were like me and perhaps even more so than me... by that time however, having gone through the experience in high school, I had massivley scaled down by behaviour... I decided to be more quiet in class, not aim for high achievement, just try to be a "normal" girl... and above fit in... I used to secretly admire women who had the guts to be themselves...

Well thank god my period of self doubt didnt continue for long... being in the work place increased my confidence though it didnt erase my doubts about my place in society as a woman... I was constantly reminded of my duty to find a husband and have children before hitting the big 30... and constantly advised that I should not expect too much in life.... and in all this I think I started believing the spin... that no matter what I did in life I still had to get the affirmation that a man can give me by being my husband... if he decided to marry her then she must be feminine.... In a way I saw most of my classmates falling by the sidelines to this expectation... most married before 30, had kids by 30 and have put their careers on the backburner if not already taken them off the burner.... I am not sure whether all these women are happy with their choices still but I do know that many of them can be made to feel inadequate in a small span of time by over achieving women.... these women would ofcourse point to their husband's achievements as their achievements and try to compete but they also know that in some way they have not achieved their potential....

And then there are the crude jokes that I have heard about women in senior position.... "ohh she is cranky cos she is not getting any action".... "She is desperate and hence I think she favours younger men"...."obviously she will be successful, she doesnt have a husband or kids right?"... in fact one of my closest made a comment about another close which made me see red... my friend was mentioned in a news paper and while I was regaling my other close friend about how impressed I am with my friend, this friend immediately said "so what is her social life like?".. huh?... "I mean I just want to find out whether she is successful and good at home... she basically has no life and that is why she can get into newspapers".... Now how many times do we hear about a man being mentioned in the newspaper and people claiming "ohh no wonder he is in the newspapers... he doesnt have a life".... and if a woman indeed does juggle everything and gets her life sorted out people will always find something to fault her with.... so there is the case of Zia Mody who is one of the leading legal minds of our country... and she is happily married to her husband of more than 20 years (I think) and has 3 children... she runs one of the most successful law firms in the country, widely acknowledgded as the leader in her profession and generally a good mind....and when they could not talk about anything wrong in her professional ability or in her husband (such as he is cheating or something) they turned to her children.... they all claimed, what is the point in having a career if your children hate you? it seems no matter what turn a woman takes she will always be run over by a car....

And what perplexes me most is that a person like me is considered to be not having become "settled" in life... contrast that to my sister... she is a home maker and like I have said being a homemaker is not an easy job... she looks after home, kids, husband.... and believe me she is happy doing that as well.... but whenever I go out with my sister to a relatives house, I am always asked questions which hint at my incomplete state or in a pitying manner ... so the fact that I can draft legal documents, speak my mind, balance my cheque book, own my own house or car, live alone, travel on work, support my parents, support poor cousins has not convinced any of these people that I am in some way complete... on the other hand my sister is considered to have fulfilled her role in life - now that she has had a kid there are no more questions of what else she should do in life... she has done what a woman has come to earth for.... my aunt once turned to me and said "I hope my daughter never becomes like you - she will also remain unmarried".... thanks aunt, I love you too....

So no matter what I achieve unless I have a man to stand by my side it will never be good enough... so I could get the nobel price but since I am not married I would still be considered as having not accomplished something.... other than my dad (and my mom sometimes) nobody in my immediate family compliments me for my achievements (modest achievements I know but they are mine) .... sometimes I am told that I should downplay my education... or even the nature of my job so that people do not judge me....

This is an extremely candid post and one that I have always grappled with for years..... but I feel it is time that I put my feelings out there even at the risk of looking like a bitter single woman....

Yeah, and tomorrow this bitter single woman would be diving in the waters of Cancun, Mexico..... some of the perks of being single I suppose....