so finally I am off for my annual vacation.... so looking forward to it.....where??? well you can see from the pics when I come back.....

Happy New Year people.... Mayans said that the world will end... I say the world as we know it will end today... and a new world is going to start....

Modi wins in Gujarat - so he can now become PM of India now? So since when did Gujarat decide who MY PM should be???? crazy world... I hope to God that Modi does not become the PM of this country....its simply because, despite his capabilities etc, I still see him as the man who decided to let evil take control.... and that is just unacceptable to me.... does he show remorse?? nope, which makes it worse...

In other news, life has been hectic lately for me... it has been mainly a lot of social functions and catching up.... all  good... and throughly enjoying myself with my new found social butterfly status... truth be told I am actually a very private person... I keep to myself many days and dont want to mingle... my idea of a perfect evening is to have friends over and watch some movie or the other.... and just chat... I am not too much of a clubbing person so I cringe everytime someone asks me to come to a club... but now I have overcome that as well... I now go once in a while... and realised that with friends even a club can be fun....

I recently met one of old classmates... now meeting old classmates is always a tricky business.... now most remember you from law school... with all your problems and crazy phase... and not many are willing to see a new you... and try to pull you back into the old mould .... and that is exactly what happened with this classmate..... it was in short very unpleasant... I felt like i was sitting through an inquisition.... justifying my life and choices.... net net I didnt see much value in keeping in touch....

does that happen with everybody??? your past remains in the past?

Crutch

There is something nice about being a crutch to someone in your life... I have been a crutch to many people in my life... helping them through their life challenges, be it a relationship breakup, family disputes, general disputes...  In my books, if these people were going through a tough time it was upto me to see them through that crisis... and I think I did.... I saw it as my responsibility to help them... and I felt nice about helping them as well... there have been many people in my life for whom I have been the crutch....

however I have noticed one trend.... the people I have been there the most as a crutch have invariably let me down... let me down terribly in fact... while I would not call it keeping a count, these are the people I expected a lot from .... simply cos I was there for them... and as weak as I am I expected them to stick by me when I needed them... be it taking a stand on an issue, giving me respect or even standing up for me in front of others.... almost without fail, these same people have let me down without any qualms.... it is almost like, they know they cant get me to be a bad person and hence they can be selfish (and probably declare it so) and declare it openly to me... "yes, I was selfish.. I am sorry for that"... as if it is somehow supposed to make me feel better that they are being honest with me... or simply to state that I like you a lot but I cannot go the distance with you as far this issue is concerned... you are on your own and I am on your own.. btw thanks for all the support you gave me when I was down and out... but sorry I cannot do the same for you.. you got yourself in this situation and you should know how to handle it...

everytime it has happened I have looked at myself as a failure.... for having trusted these people to stand up for me... for once, think about me and take a stand (even if inconvenient)... for once, show me that they can go the distance for me....

Contrast this with other people.... for whom I have never been  there as much I have been for these people... and they have taken care of me as if I belong to them.... selflessly.....

so is it me or just these people? should I just stop caring about people? or doing things for people? and especially should I just be selfish?

I wonder whether these people how I did turn my life around to help them and be with them...

 

So the Govt wins the vote in the Rajya Sabha as well....  I am hearing the BJP crying foul over this vote ... .they say that the Congress manipulated the entire voting process....

now tell me... what is the govt to do? if being in the Govt they cant take important decisions, then how will the country ever progress... so my question is, if to get some good, the government indulges in some horse trading - is that bad?

kudos to the floor managers of Congress... they pulled it off..

Ahh... so many things happening... so many things to do.... and I cant seem to stop myself from taking on everything as it comes along...

this morning my personal trainer paid me the best compliment that I could have ever asked for.... he asked me whether I ran in the marathon.... and this as i was lying down on the ground gasping for breath after he had made me do a mini running session... I raised my weak head to ask him "no, why?"... my trainer replied "you should run the marathon. You have very good style of running"... wwoowwwww... coming from a trainer that is a sure compliment... and if I may say so at this age... .I was elated and ecstatic.... I was back in the game people... after piling on the pounds over the last one year I have now reached a stage where the trainer thinks I can indeed run the marathon... well done Alice....

so in my new found enthusiasm I decided to reconnect with all the activities I had stopped.... and decided to give my shooting one more chance.... for the ignorant, I had completed a course on rifle shooting in the year 2010... and really enjoyed it ... I do believe if I concentrate I can actually be a good shooter... the problem is that I dont concentrate.... I start thinking about many things and get distracted...

so 2013, you have a lot of exciting things to look forward to from me....

So Sri Ravi Shankar makes a statement today that India has become land of scams and slums....

Seriously??? now when did he think India was better off in the past??? does he really think we have more slums and scams now??? and what does he request we do ? stop everything this country is doing? so that we can get back to his concept of what India is like...

People who are not in charge of changing India should not give opinions without the necessary research..... its so easy to be an armchair politician... you have no liability and no accountability....

Do you remember your first date?

I never thought of this question until very recently when I was asked about my first date ever.... clearly I did not consider it to be a milestone in my life otherwise I would have remembered it.... but since I was asked this question ....

now let me think back... my first ever date would have to be in the first month of law school... with a senior of mine... he was one of the few people who ragged me... and then finally we ended up going out for some movie and dinner date... although if I recollect it was never styled or positioned as a date... we were just going out..... I do remember having a good time at the date..... while the date didnt go anywhere and the senior and me did not end up anywhere meaningful, i remember feeling like it was the beginning of a new life for me... I was all of 17/18 and for me to break the code of not mixing with the boys was a great high...

and my new life did infact begin....

The world is going through such a change that sometimes I feel this generation (i.e. mine) is the transition team... the team that oversees the entire process of change... and who hand holds the entire young and old generation through this transition process... I see so many new challenges and hurdles in the path of my generation... some of these challenges that our forefathers did not have to face.... there are so many questions...so many options... so many decisions to make...

Being in the transition team is slightly daunting... so what are you supposed to do after the transition is done? and you wonder who will benefit from the transition? the new generation? What is in it for you? will you enjoy the benefits of your efforts? Or will it be like our freedom fighters who died and gave us our freedom to enjoy? will people hold placards in our memory cos of the sterling role that we played in getting our country where it is....

Somehow I doubt it...

Voohoooo! 700th post!! I will open champagne when I reach 1000....

why do I write this blog? Mainly cos I think so much and I need to vent out somewhere... also I really really like to write... its sometimes therapeutic....

there are so many things I like to write about but dont... somewhere the invasion of privacy becomes an issue....

I am amazed at how much I am learning about myself.... and not all good.... recently one more incident could have snow balled into a standoff/cutting off if I had not stopped, analysed and taken the calmer approach.... I halted my thot process, took time to talk to my friend and realised that there was nothing much to the issue....

The earlier me would have jumped and cut the person off... not the new me... as much as people didnt cut me off when I behaved badly I should not either...

And the old adage "never say never" truly applies in life.... one has to be open to all kinds of possibilities to live life....

 

Finally Kasab dead!! its almost like a Osama bin laden moment for us Indians! I think the government did good in finishing off this business... kudos to the government for taking such a bold step...

Killing Kasab off was in some ways an end to all the years of feeling under attack... now we have shown the world that we take bold decisions as well... and that in our country even a terrorist gets a fair trial... to think, we actually had a lawyer create a story for Kasab saying he was mistaken for someone else and he had come to India only to become an actor! nobody can claim that we did not follow the due process of law.... I am so proud to be an Indian....

On the other hand, I do feel that we caught the small fish... he was probably a misguided youth from Pakistan... who must have been promised virgins and didnt actually understand what he was doing....I feel sorry for such youth... who get caught in this international conspiracy....

Anyways, all I can say is that I am feeling good today about this... feels like my day started off good...

This Diwali has been in more than one way been life altering... it was absolutely fantastic to relax and enjoy the festival... i was able to devote a lot of time to buy things for the house... lights, rugs etc.... I liked seeing my list being ticked off....

the death of Bal over this weekend was a dampner...not that I was much of a follower... it was depressing to not have any autos, shops open over the weekend... I made good of whatever came however... so I cycled everywhere... played badminton over the weekend.....and generally had a great time...

this was also a period of realisation .... I have this bad tendency to always judge in black and white... if you did this then this is what you mean and hence I will not have you in life... I cut off people quite regularly and dont even give them a chance.....now I didnt realise that this was infact hurting me more.... not keeping these people in my life was actually hurting me more than keeping them in my life.... ostensibly the reason I didnt want them in my life was to prevent them from hurting me again.... but what I realised is that life is never about black and white.... there are shades of grey.... and people dont necessarily mean to hurt you... they end up hurting you.... they probably never intended it... and even if they intended it for that time, if they come and apologise then that is also fine... its very difficult for me to understand this concept..... I never give second chances... and I dont necessarily wish to also... but in the process I have remained the hurt one..... I recently discussed with a friend on how much I missed that friend since we were not talking for more than a year... and the friend retorted saying "i tried to reach out to you in so many ways... you just shut the door on me"... and I was shocked to hear someone say that about me.... to think I was rejecting conciliatory overtures from a dear one was an eye opener for me... how dare I think I deserve their efforts? and how dare I not respect their efforts... they have afterall spent so many hours holding my hand and giving me support.... and if they made a mistake with me should I not hear them out at least.... and what if they genuinely screwed up...

there is a saying... just because someone does not love you the way you want them to does not mean that they dont love you with all they have... I never understood this.. now I do... each person comes with limitations...

new year, new beginning... new me.... letting go....

So some messages actually dont get delivered??? I never believed people when they said they did not receive the messages... till a friend pointed out that I had not responded to two messages sent at two different times!!!

so since i have been at the receiving end of the non-receipt of messages and people actually thinkin of it as a snub from me, I would like to apologise to all the people I have cut out from my life on account of such technology induced misunderstanding.... really really sorry...and I wish I had been more patient and understanding and given our relationship a chance....

so whats the lesson for me here? never assume.... always check... and ofcourse sometimes it is possibel that the person really wanted to snub you but at least you will know for sure that that is what is really going on....

I am surprised at how many young people are getting more and more concious of political situation in India... a few years back any discussion on politics would be dismissed as being boring.... and soon the talk would gravitate towards drinking, relationships, money etc... all very light topics ... and finally everybody would go to sleep completely drunk .....

Nowadays I am finding a new lot of people who are really interested in politics and things that are happening around them.... many people have views on the political parties and who they will vote for ... and they all have opinions... and I seem to have a lot of different views from the general view... I am a die hard congress supporter and I defend Manmohan Singh like no other..... I would rather go with a known devil rather than a known devil.... I hate BJP from the core of my heart... and anybody who supports them gets a blasting from me....

I see a lot changing in India.... people are becoming aware... and on account of Anna people are becoming less afraid of protesting... is this going to make India a better place?  in my view this is the turning point of Indian politics... now is the time change is slowly seeping in... politicians are realising that it is not easy to go through life as "business as usual" attitude... the powerful politicians cannot loot indefinitely now...

or perhaps Mulayam has the last word on it - "take but work hard also".... nice middle path in a country  that is the birth place of the "middle path" philosphy of Budhha.... 

so whats with people not responding to messages nowadays??

... it started with a girl friend of  mine a while back where all my messages would go unanswered... and on enquiry i was told "i never got any"... somehow I just dont believe that ..... and came away feeling that I had in some way intruded on her privacy or that I was just trying to keep in touch with someone who really didnt have a place in life for me.... Gradually I dropped all attempts to keep in touch.... needless to say the relationship has suffered on account of this and probably my friend and me are wiser for it .... 

Call it anything you want, in my book, an unresponded message is a definite snub... and one that I will take very seriously and not bother about that person later on... now I know sometimes it could be a myriad reasons why the person didnt respond (including not getting it)... but I go with what "my gut" tells me... is the person not responding because they genuinely dont want to or because they have not got the opportunity to... and in this analysis I go by past experience.......

Having said that I am myself guilty of such behaviour... sometimes in a busy day you really dont respond to all the messages you get... and you ignore the less important ones.... hmm... less important ones..... thats it...

Obama... now why do i feel elated.... perhaps it is because I see a good honest man triumph and I feel good... or the fact that he is a self made man that gives him the leverage in my eyes.....or the fact that he cries .... or that he loves his family...

i have always found Obama to be inspiring... in his story, his presence, his speeches, his conduct...

some of the recent news events have convinced me that there is indeed a God... thank you for that Sir....even though I may crib now and then....

is it that difficult? does it have to be that monumental? is challenge common in all tasks?

A trip to the Chor Bazaar

So many things to write about... Life has been crazily busy for me.... so much so that I have been sleeping everyday at 4 in the morning... sometimes even dozing off without knowing ..... and then waking up with a start at 6:30 a.m.... and there was no time or place for gymn or any yoga... I was down and out...

so when people asked me how my new house is my prompt reply is "I am sure the rat that sneaks in my house is really enjoying it"... you see a rat has found its way on the 10th floor and merrily searches for food... it must be wondering what kind of people actually stay here since there is absolutely nothing in the rooms... maybe I should start naming the rat.... after all it has established rights of adverse ownership in rat years at least....

It was also a weekend of mixing around... I had to be the hostess to a group of lawyers from Asia... from explaining Indian food to showing them places around Mumbai I was caught up... after two days of replying to questions I think both parties were fed up of each others accents...

I am waiting for Diwali holidays now...

Life is really not fair sometimes.... or is the unfairness all leading to fairness???

Sometimes in this crazy world its so important to remind yourself of what you are really... in this dog eat dog world you loose perspective of what you are and where you have reached.... so there would be tons of people who are already ready to pounce on you for every little thing... and for a while you may take it... and be polite... till such time that you draw the line and ask people not to cross the line...

And it is so important to let people know your position... otherwise it is always presumed for you ... which is unfortunate......

All that jazz

I watched English Vinglish yesterday... and I have to say that the movie absolutely worth the 350 bucks I paid... what a fantastically simple concept yet so touching... as some of you snooty people may not know its about a woman who does not know how to speak English...

Growing up I had similar experiences with my mom... my mom was brought up in a traditional way by doctor parents who felt the best thing they could do for their daughter was to get her married off.... My mom thus never got the opportunity to study to her hearts content and her life long grouse has been the denied opportunity to study... I was the inadvertent beneficiary of this - I was allowed to study as much as I wanted and what I wanted.... much to the dismay of relatives who dont hestitate to point out their folly in having educated me so much.....

Seeing the movie brought back many instances of embarassment that my mother would have faced in her life on account of her education.... there were other doctor wives who were far more educated than her.. and I can just imagine what it would have been like for her to attend parties with people from various places in India and interact with the guests.... ofcourse the fact that we grew up in the Gulf was helpful since not many people there knew English....the problem would have been only with Indians... who sometimes pride themselves in knowing in English and not knowing their mother tongue.... I do remember my mother's attempts to match steps with other wives in English speaking and having embarassing moments.... I also recollect her abject insecurity if her kids mentioned anything about her not knowing English.... her insecurity was so acute that I remember volunteering to teach her English ..... how presumptuos of me!

Inspite of that I dont ever remember feeling my mother is less educated ... or that my mom is not as cool as other moms.... I just felt she was what she was to me... my mom... craziness and all that included....

Sometimes I think my mother feels vindicated cos of her children having been educated.... and secretly admires us... as if to tell the world - see my children, if I produced them, I cant be that bad.... the pain of having no education and being thrust into the modern world is a pain that one can never fathom unless one has walked that extra mile in that persons shoes...

I sure hope I have made my mom proud....

I am convinced that in my next birth I will come back as an Ant... I simply knock them off or throw water on them whenever I see them...

I am slowly settling into my new house... already neighbours are rearing their silly heads ... irritating... I am not much of a peoples person when it comes to this.... I am slowly building up my furniture ..... I got a new chest of drawers which I have always lusted after.... and a centre table which looks antiquy enough for me to feel nice.... I am sure it was made in the backlanes of Ghatkopar and sold in chor bazaar... but what I dont know cannot kill me....

 

I see the Amercian election process and I am amazed at how professional it seems..... I mean the whole thing does not reek of any sleaze or grime... everybody is well dressed including the participants who are just listening... the candidates all speak perfect english (the yardstick for sophistication I suppose), their wives speak even better than them, the children are well dressed and appear by the side of the candidate... and whether photoshopped or not the entire family looks good.... and the speeches are rabble rousing.... bright words, stinging lines and catch phrases, and all about loving one's country.....

Now move to the Indian scene.... while the top leaders are all well dressed there is a sense of chaos.... frankly I cannot relate to the Indian political campaigns.... for one there seems to be no structure... they are too many people areound.... and all of them somehow look like thugs... there is no inspiring speech given by any leader of repute.... people are just left wondering what happened in each election campaign...... and who to vote for... there is no insprising speech or any inspiring leadership.... I am left fumbling about what each candidate stands for....

 

ok... am I really way off mark or just missing the point.... but it has become an election issue that Obama signed the equal pay for equal work in the year 2011?? I mean this is a law that assures women are paid the same for the same work.... and now that is touted as an achievement of the Obama government (and it should be)....

My first reaction is... I mean this is United States of America... supposed to be the leader in terms of freedom and liberty... and they are signing the equal pay for equal work only now?????? I mean India has had that law for more than 30 years... ofcourse implementation might be really bad in India... but at least on paper we have had that law... if a woman were to seek a remedy she would have statute to back her up....

In many ways when I was living in America, i saw many things which are backward.... for instance the bible belt is not as open as we would be made to believe... they are opposed to gay rights, womens reproductive rights, women's rights perse and ofcourse racism....

I got perplexed by this dichotomy....

finally I have my own landline!!! whew... an MTNL line.... for long I have desired to have my own landline number... but with my constant moving around from houses to houses and from cities to cities i never managed to get a landline in my name.... and I am super excited about it..... so excited that someone commented that I am behaving as if I am in the 80s when getting a phone connection was a rare occurence..... welll for me it is a rare occurence... getting a phone line signifies that now I have a bill which is in my name... not in the name of the landlord....

I really feel bad for the BJP.... they have seriously dented whatever hope one had to an alternative to the Congres.... which I think is necessary in a democracy... from a party that was 1998 "shining" bright in 1990s to a party that is fighting the twilight decending on it, BJP cuts a sorry figure...

the latest exercise of stalling Parliament is the latest in their shenanigans to get attention.... I find it really sad that with such bright people in their midst, they have chosen such a destructive stand.... what is the purpose of asking for resignation of the PM and then allowing a debate? It seems like they have asked for something stupid and now cant back off....its very very telling..... of their lack of strategy....

In all this I really have some sympathy for Manmohan Singh.. say what you will, I believe in the guy... and believe that he is one person who has transformed India for you and me....  to say that we could have done without manmohan Singh is like saying that we could have done teh freedom struggle without Gandhi....

The simple fact is that I have moved into my house with nothing more than the bare essentials... by that I mean bed, cupboard, kitchen stuff... I didnt have the mind space to design and set up my house even though I always dreamt of doing that all my life.... now I am confused.... everywhere I see the modern version of houses... you know with the chic sofas, machine cut shelves, beds that are "ohh so hotel" like... and I honestly get a bit turned off by that ... I mean it would be wonderful to stay in such a home for about 3 days... and after that you probably will get confused over when to check out.... in my mind a home is meant to be with flaws... yes the furniture will all not match,, the curtains will not be spectacular... and most importantly it will have all the scars from a well lived house..... I have no idea why I feel that way.... but my home back in Kerala is exactly that way... it is very flawed.. and I like perhaps feeling that everything in life is not washed with dettol.... I dont know whether I am making myself clear....

so when I see people converting their homes into some sort of assembly line production I find it unappealing... I want to have a home... where mistakes are bound to happen... and life will revolve around it ...

ok with all this rambling one would think that there is some prospect of me getting down to decorating my house... the fact is I am not even close to doing anything....

The next frontier in technology development is not Iphone 5 or 6... it is a cupboard that can clean itself, fold the clothes and also hangs up the relevant clothes on the hangers.....

We need a new Steve Jobs...

Ahh... finally I have moved bag and baggage into my new home.... not really a home as yet but slowly building it up my way... as of now it has the basic necessitities... for now I am stretched out .... juggling work and shifting is just not easy...

Having your own home perhaps make it more special than any other move i have made... its finally your own place... your own creation... and nobody has the right to evict you from teh house (barring the bank) and you dont have to worry too much about shifting from this place after another 2 years.... its permanent... and this is where you would be building your home from now on....

do I feel relaxed? NOT at all... I still have so many things to do ... so many things to buy... so many things to get started.... and no time to do it... my mom tells me I need to take a few days off from work to do all this... and I keep telling her - i just dont have that luxury at all at the moment... if it was a different time and different circumstance I would have been able to take off... but not now ... not right now....

I am exhausted and tired... I desperately need R&R... and yet I dont get the time or space to do it...... Running from one place to another, from one engagement to another, one challenge to another..... I sure hope I can rest peacefully at the end of all this......

What a shameful end to a movement that held a lot of promise... the world watched as a Gandhian straddled the nation cutting across religion, caste and politics on one common yet simple platform of anti-corruption drive.... if there was any lingering doubt of a united India it ended with the show of support that came in for this self sacrificing obviously patriotic man from across India... Kashmir to Kanykumari everybody supported him... everybody went crazy about "Anna" and proudly sported "I am Anna" caps... not a mean feet... just when we thought there was no end to the scams that this country could produce we got a hero in the nick of time....

I myself supported the old man... and thanked God that I was an Indian... that we had consistently challenged authority in a peaceful manner... I was also an ardent supporter of the Government... I didnt believe that politicians were all bad... I trusted democracy... and to the extent the Government relented in having a 10 member panel to discuss the lokpal bill I was satisfied... the Government had been brought down to its knees and that was enough for me... I didnt want anything else... not to topple it not to bring another party in power... just getting the government to respond...

then I saw the movement trip over its own importance... they overstayed their welcome.. .people were happy to achieve a compromise... and then go back home to their lives... nobody wanted a displacement of Government... Team Anna forgot their own humble origins.. and presumed knowledge for you and me... and declared famously on TV that Anna is above Parliament... Oh come on... and combined with the constant "we are just friends" dialogue when it came to BJP when it was obvious that they were sleeping with each other (at least the parent RSS was)... Neutrality was thrown out of the window.... and you had a movement that was slowly inching towards "annhilate COngress" mode... I stepped back... I didnt want a BJP Government... I wanted this Government -only better ..... and then the final nail on the coffin was the campaign against the Congress in the various states.... shamelessly BJP tried to gain mileage out of it and gave away the elections to the smaller parties...

and now the announcement that they would join politics and form a party ..... With Kejriwal demanding that we should topple the Government.... If there was any doubt about how immature this movment was this was it... no sagacity... no compromise... no understanding... far from the mentor Gandhi they used to keep invoking before every fast.....

I am happy for the circus to end..... happy also that they have a political outlet... I fear people like Kejriwal who believe they know best.... it will be a case of Mamta Didi in Bengal - where any opposition to her is branded as communist agenda... Kejriwal will be like one of those people who will shout "you Congress" everytime anybody questions him.....

Ramadan

Ramadan was always a significant festival growing up - in Oman we had the whole society become different when the ramadan descended on us... we could not eat outside, my father had no water to drink in the hospital, we were always careful not to appear to enjoy lives.... and our schools also closed before time....in India I did not have any such exposure to this festival - not to a significant extent at least...

so it was after a long time that I ventured out to discover this muslim festival (not sure whther it is infact a festival).... and came away delighted... Mohammed Ali Road was always a far away destination which I had always heard of as bustling with activity during ramadan... I always wanted to go but didnt have the guts to... or the company.. nobody wanted to venture out to that part of the world... would it be safe? will there be women? will I be molested? I went with all these apprehensions ... and came away feeling gleeful at having discovered a little more about my city... that it is one of the most vibrant cities in the world... I mean this is the city where a christian woman could walk down the street at 12 in the night taking photos!!! and people were only too happy to oblige... with many of them asking me why I was not eating properly!!

my walk down Moh Ali Road can be summed up in 4 words - food, food, food, food.... it was all about eating ... ... the colourful jalebis, kababs, bread, soup, briyani.... I walked down feeling odd that I was not munching something... and women were combing the area like no other .... they were shopping for sandals whils straddling their 2 years old on their hips... and walking merrily around with no apparent fear.... I also got a glimse of bollywood when Imran Khan came to break his fast... there was a small chaos... and i managed to capture his face...

This is what I love about Mumbai.. even in the muck and dirt there is some magic....

Ban Ganga

A big milestone in my life is approaching next month.... and after years and years of dreaming what it would be like to finally complete the milestone, finally when it is at my doorstep I am most ill prepared... and i really wish I could do all the things I had planned to do for that milestone... share it with so many people...

alas... not to be .... as my life has been the past few months - everything will be in a rush and I will not even get the time to breathe and take it all in....

Have you ever seen a wall of your house collapse? What do you go through when you see that wall which was till now a major part of your house is no longer standing?

Immediately you feel a sense of fear, you dream of the various unwanted elements that can come into your house since there is no wall anymore... and wonder whether you will ever be safe again... and then you weep for having taken that wall for granted... and you attempt to immediately reconstruct the wall... but it will take time... and it is not easy....

and you learn to live with the fear till such time that the wall in built....

So Yahoo is set to have a woman CEO after many trials and errors over the last 2 years... now the obvious fact that it is a woman heading a global organisation is itself startling.... and to boot the fact that she is a mother of 5 already with a 6th on the way is a huge thumps up everywhere for women all around the world.... constantly women I know have had to choose either one of the options- career or children... and most often (and very rightly in their view) so the option is to have children and forgo on their career... most women are happy to do it but somewhere I am sure there is a feeling of having missed the boat.. or a sinking feeling of whether you will ever be relevant to anyone outside of your family.... while on balance many women are content, given the off beat chance that all women are not made same there may be instances when a woman must be looking longingly at her degree.... close on the heels of this annoucement was a study which proved that women are actually becoming than men

so can a woman have it all? in my view she can... if her husband is supportive... and the family helps out as much as they would help out a man...then a woman can have it all...  and I dont think this should by any chance be considered as a beacon call for all women to have a career and children... its ultimately her decision to make...

everytime i feel a dip, a click gets me back.... yes, I take photos to uplift my moods... it must be something to do with creativity.... mumbai in the rains is very tough to capture with a camera... I tried anyways...

It was like any other day.... I woke up in the morning to go for my morning walk, carrying with me the windcheater to protect me against sudden burst of rain.... in the monsoon that is essential you see.... as is my practice I walked through St. Andrews church... to quickly talk to God and ask him how is doing before walking on towards Bandstand.... did a quick prayer after carefully removing my headphones (you dont want to be disrespectful to God) and quickly put it back on after I had done my short and sweet conversation with God (mostly onesided).... I take a turn and lo and behold the most unexpected thing happens to me.... I see 2 women crouching on the floor... I go closer to see what happened and see a most unexpected sight.... a little baby wrapped up head to toe with a milk bottle right next to her lying on the floor in the drizzle.... an abandoned baby ... and instinctively I know that it is a girl... a beautiful, sweet, small baby... not more than 15 days old I would think... at first I thot the women had dropped the baby down.... but the baby was not crying....the frantic search for something by the women made me think that this is an unusual situation..... Last thing I saw the women had bundled up the baby and taken it inside to the church... and feeding her with the milk bottle that was left beside her by the unidentified person who abandoned her.... Sometimes God gives to those who dont want it .... and doesnt give to those who want it badly.... in my next conversation with God I will discuss the importance of system correction with him... to give the have nots before the haves... overhaul is highly recommended in the distribution of blessings.....

Today somebody remarked that they need some softness in their life... .and I immediately thought of Baby George ......

What are the essential ingredients that you should have in life? I dont know the answer and I doubt there is an answer that is right.... but here is my list... a. A good hobby: this is your alternate profession if the main profession really gets to you b. A friend in need: You are lucky if you have this one so please grab it and hold on to it... a friend you can call and scream, cry, shout with ... and next day behave as if life is just normal... you are even luckier if that person is your spouse c. a mentor: a person you look up to... and feel great when you get that pat on the back... and one you are afraid to let down in any situation.... that mentor keeps you in check... d. children: I think they are a critical ingredient - I was never one to crave for kids but I think my nephews made me see the fun side of life.... my sister thinks I have only seen the fun things and hence I love children now... probably true... but you dont necessarily have to have your own kids... you can love kids anyways.. e. a plan for your 60s: whether you will be learning karate, yoga, scuba diving is your choice... mine is to fine an isolated villa and lock myself in. f. a dream that is an aspiration: a dream that is so difficult to achieve that you constantly strive to achieve that... a dream that will make you stronger because it doesnt kill you...

I see it going away.. and I am scared to let it go... but I know it is in my best interest.... so why am I scared to let it go ? and if my mind knows that it is in my best interest, why is my heart not listening.... damn this complicated life....

Home.... finally..... so much to do still.... God, I know you will send help..... actually if you send some cash my way also i will be happy :)

The job of the Prime Minister of India is extremely hard... given that I wonder why anyone goes through the trouble of being one... and risk being assasinated at that .... I know it is too simplistic an analysis

So many thots that occupy my mind in the course of the week and I never get down to penning it... so what have I been thinking about? the monsoons for one thing... there is something so gorgeous about Mumbai during the rains... ofcourse I understand that it is easy for me to say that it is the beautiful season in Mumbai when I dont take the trains... but i have some experience in that department but nevertheless I think monsoons are the best part of Mumbai..... after the heat the whole city gets enveloped in a blanket of cold rain... it calms me down immediately... I feel peaceful... as if the rains are cleaning all the ikky things of mumbai.... ofcourse that is far from the truth... yday in my enthusiasm to enjoy the rains I started walking in bandra.... only to immediately jump into the refuge of an auto when I realised that every car passing by was splashing mud on me... note to the world: Mumbai is not europe where walking is a pleasure...here people actually are a hindrance to the roads....... My friends and I were having a debate.. .about why is it that India is so different.. there is a pall of negativity that surrounds you as soon as you get off that international airport in Bandra... not to mention the stench of dettol swept floors.... I have had a few unpleasant incidents greet me at airports - mostly to do with taxi drivers.... all of them are foul mouthed and create a fuss everytime there is a slight change in plans...you get abused and threatended... and you end up feeling intimidated in your city/home... you hate that feeling.... we all concluded that one of the reasons why Mumbai/India is like this is that there are limited resources... everyone is fighting for the same pie...everyone is trying to outdo the other... and everyone things that life is about that coveted position (I am not denying that it is a very lofty ambition)... but to have your life entirely designed around that ambition is what is so screwed up about India... we forget that life is also more meaningful when you have other things in life .... I also thot about my generation of professionals... somehow this generation really lost the plot... we stopped being simple and started becoming very much a clone of the other... so everytime I go into meetings I see women dressed in crisp neat suits resembling a female lawyer from law and order (ofcourse even the sales woman at Shoppers Stop looks like that but that is another matter)... and there are some cliches which just bug me... everybody will have a ferrogamo tie, a mont blanc pen or accessory, a black berry, an Ipad now and ofcourse the fancy accent... we are all such suckers for such accented english.... we forget that we are in parel India and think we are in manhattan ... when did it become more about the show than about the profession... that is why I respect some of my seniors in the profession who are so brilliant but do not have the need for any paraphernalia to add to their resume.... am i that simple? heck no... but who says I cant complain?

I am not really great at forgiving... it is a flaw... I take a lot of time to realise that I dont want to put up with a situation and then when least expected I snap and move on.... but I never forget... or forgive... I just cut them off... and while I have always felt that cutting off is much better than pretending to be nice to each other I also realise that better than cutting off someone it is best to forgive that someone.... otherwise you end up holding grudges for years (without realising it) and stewing in your soup... Ahh I feel so lighter ......

Is jealousy the best form of flattery??? As in what about the saying that if someone is saying bad things about you, you should be happy cos that means you are doing really well.... does it hold water... I somehow think so.... if someone is concious of your happiness and wants to pull you down they will try and throw some mud at you... it demonstrates two things - i) the persons insecurity (ii) your own superiority in the other person's eyes....

It seems I can influence the stock market..... so everytime I decide to offload some shares the market tanks ... last time I decided the sensex plunges below the 17000 mark.... and then one of my scrips actually hit the 52 week low exactly on the day that I decided to sell... Shhh..... dont tell the stock market but I am planning to hold on to the shares till 2015...

Aamir Khan - hats off to him.... i mean the guy recreates himself with every movie.. and now with a show that is hard hitting... The first show on female foeticide touched a lot of people... I have given a lot of thought about why females are often killed by their own parents... and after a lot of thinking I realised in childhood itself that it boils down to economics!!! Yes, everything is about money, honey.... so for instance it is not far fetched to assume that females are not wanted in society because of the economic strain they cause the parents... the moment a female is born her parents have to fret over her dowry... how will they pay for getting a girl married off? how will poor farmers afford it?? and everyone who has faced that doubt about where they will get their next meal from will understand that it is indeed a really pathetic place to start from as far as raising a family is concerned... in that analysis unfortunately it is the female children that loses out.. a parent would rather have blood on their hands than the commitment to look after her for so many years and then have to pay money to get her married off.... why are women considered an economic burden? simply cos she does not get the same opportunity as a man.... she is not given the opportunity of making any livelihood on her own... she is not standing on her own financial strength in the family ............. and that is not to say that she is wiling away her time... most often her chores around the house of cooking cleaning and looking after the kids is not monetised and hence lacks the respect that these chores deserve..... net net a woman looses out completely... yes times are changing.. and I would like to believe that women have come a long way in establishing her place in society.... but the sword that hangs over every father when a girl is born cannot be taken away.... or denied... he looks up and he is made to take the decision of allocating limited resources amongst equal and competing claims... and he makes the choice that so many before him have made... that it is best to bet on the know devil (read boy) than an unknown devil... at least the boy wont take the wealth away from his home.... a girl may or may not be around... It is all a twisted fate... a woman is born with such negative expectations about her that for her to fight and prove herself is itself a task... is it any wonder that most of the high level posts in society are still occupied by men and the few women who occupy are there on account of their men??? which is why my blood boils everytime a smart women drops off from college to pursue marital life.. or a smart woman is forced to leave her career behind when she has a child... why???? cos what did we fight so hard for??? we fought so hard to get recognised as a force to reckon with and then women who give up that opportunity to make a mark sure does a disservice to women everywhere.... I feel women are caught in a bind.. she is judged if she is a career woman and judged if she isnot as well.... both hit her hard enough... I am sure God did not intend the world to be so cruel for women.. God must have expected men to show some form of maturity in treating their physically weaker counterpart... alas that was not to be ....

More Pics from Kerala

It was a very warm London morning when I entered the Hamley's store with my parents on what was to be my one and only visit as a child to the store...my subsequent visits were all as adults and by then.. well I had outgrown toys.... but back to my first day at Hamleys... I was in the shop with a specific purpose... I wanted a remote control car!! and after testing many desirable aspirants I settled for a car that was fast and fit in with my budget... and thus began my tryst with raching remote control cars... I took it to every possible road in any country I was in.. and drove it around like a maniac... it was my bestest moment... I cherished every bit of the car and have never taken care of anything so much in my life..... Now 26 years later I decided to pass the car along to the next generation... Baby George had anyways been asking for remote control car... so i finally took out of the cupboard to hand it over to a very excited Baby George.... seeing the sleek black car - who wouldnt get excited??? Well... that was the end of my turbo charger car... first off the remote control antenna went missing... it prompted a search like never before by the entire family...and thereafter it was the wire on top of the car... by now my heart sank... when quizzed Baby George remarked "i took it off because it was not working"... kid... i have had this car for 26 years working fine... and now it is no more... so finally I took some pics (below) of my car in all its torn down glory.... and to Baby George I sing "kahan chala, kahan chala, meri car ki pungi bajaa kar"

Flowers from my garden

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